Monday, January 8, 2018

Twas Brilling and the Slithy Toves....

An illustration of the Jabberwock, from "Through the looking-glass, and what Alice found there."  The poem, Jabberwocky, is one of my favorites, as the sounds of the words seem to give the poem more meaning than the meaningless words themselves.

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Why do I start off mentioning Jabberwocky?  Sometimes, events in my life seem to have no meaning at all, and yet the pace of these events lend even greater meaning to my life than those events themselves. If I looked at losing my job and having over 3 years of idleness, it would see as if my life has had little meaning since I lost a traditional routine. Yet, the ability I gained to explore life by living as Marian (albeit in a part-time basis) has enhanced what I've gotten out of life so far.

In the poem, the hero is being warned about the arduous task ahead of him, and the risks involved in his challenge. As for me, I knew that dealing with the issues of my transgender nature would be a big challenge. And I marched forward in spite of those risks.  Like the hero of Jabberwocky, I tackled my challenges and have continued to move forward in life. Have I completed my tasks?  No, but there had been measured progress so far.

I've suffered my fair share of failures.  Some of them could not be avoided. And others were caused by me taking too many risks.  Even the mistakes I've made have taught me things I would never have learned had I not been willing to step outside of my comfort zone.  but I still have a long way to go. For example, I have yet to focus on losing the weight that I need to lose, so that I can wear a greater variety of feminine clothes. Keeping the weight off would then allow me to justify the plastic surgery I'd need to have a face life that would either fully or partially feminize my face, to do a tummy tuck (getting rid of excess skin), and other procedures I'd want to be able to live more of my life as Marian instead of Mario.

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Eventually, I will have to make a very hard decision.  Do I sacrifice my likelihood of finding romance so that I can live my life as Marian 24x7?  Or, do I keep living life as both Marian and Mario, using prosthesis to appear as Marian when I am presenting as female? Given how attached I have been to GFJ, even for nightly conversations and weekend company, I'm not sure if I could easily give up the chance for romance. Is it ambivalence, or something else?  I doubt my problem is ambivalence, as I keep moving forward at a slow pace. Instead, I think I'm making sure that I don't apply a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Unlike many others in the Transgender community, my need to live as Marian doesn't depend on radical or quick changes to my body.  I can take my time to be absolutely sure that I really want to live as Marian.  One transwoman in my circle of Facebook friends went through social transition, then detransitioned, and then started the process anew. She lost her job in the industry she worked in for years, and is now trying to regain a foothold in that field.  I don't want to lose that much to gain 20 years of life as Marian.  I'm not sure. But I don't think a lot of things that I care about trigger urgent needs anymore.

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I will continue reporting my life on a day-to-day basis and hope you will find something of interest here to keep you coming back for more.  For new transgender folk who are starting their paths in this life, I also hope I can be an inspiration - as others have been for me. And for old-timers, I hope that you always fins something new here to make it worth your while to visit this site now and then.

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’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”

He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought—
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!”
He chortled in his joy.

’Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

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