Sunday, January 21, 2018

And now, what do I do for an encore?

As you already know, I've been out of work for a while. But I figure that I will eventually need to find some gainful work.  And even if I do so, I have to be careful, as earning too much money might make me unable to get subsidized health care insurance AND cost me money to work.

But that's not the focus of today's entry....

When I went to sleep last night, there were several factors which played a part into what I planned to do this weekend:
  • GFJ spending Saturday night with some of her friends.

    This gave me the freedom to plan my Saturday and Sunday for things I'd do alone as either Marian or Mario.
  • Me spending Saturday Morning with Maria having breakfast and catching up on things.

    This blocked off the morning, and would determine which presentation I'd be using for the day.
  • Me spending Sunday Afternoon in Mario mode seeing my Dad in the nursing home.

    This would allow me to see my brother as well, and we could discuss issues related to the family home.  We need to agree on how the asset would be disposed of upon one of our deaths, and how it would be managed afterwards. 
When I woke up in the morning, Maria had to cancel out on things, as her grandson's father didn't come to pick him up for the weekend.  She had no one else who could take care of the child, and didn't want to take him to breakfast with us.  However, she did suggest getting together on Sunday, and that would be OK with me. As for GFJ, the girls cancelled out. So my reason for blocking out this weekend no longer existed. Since I planned to see my brother, GFJ couldn't complain that I had plans for both days.  Yet, I still had Saturday Afternoon and Evening free for myself.

- - - - - -

Since I already woke up early for breakfast with Maria, I started thinking - What do I do with the rest of my life?

In one sense, I've taken what has amounted to a three year sabbatical from my life.  Due to my failure at the former communications firm, I am no longer that interested in project management. But what do I do next?  It would be nice to get a job for the next few years. Yet, I also have to factor in the hidden costs of taxes, insurance, commutation, etc. that I will incur if I get work that provides a low salary without benefits. Volunteering would be OK. But this doesn't address the need for me to generate some extra income to pay for my remaining so-called discretionary expenses.  Weight loss has proven elusive, in part because I have not dieted or exercised, and because my natural testosterone levels have dropped (not a bad thing for a trans person). This means that I can't go on hormones, and that I can't go with the facial surgeries I would want.  Yet, I wouldn't have started to alter my body permanently until after my father died. So this is not yet a major issue. It only adds to my feeling of being stasis for the past three years.

- - - - - -

With all of this being said, having had three years to myself hasn't been bad.  I've been able to explore life as Marian, and I've been able to get a better understanding of who I am.  Will I move forward to both a complete social and medical transition?  I'm not sure yet.  I'd like to keep moving forward, but I'm the type of person who likes having a companion in life. And there are not that many cisgender women who want to live with a trans person like me.

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