Friday, December 22, 2017

It's only a matter of time.

A large gingerbread house.  Christmas season is here, and I don't have any decent ideas of what to get GFJ for the holiday.

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This year, GFJ and I will again be spending the holiday apart from each other.  Her son is coming East with his girlfriend, and I am probably heading down to my brother's place for an informal family meal.  It is a little annoying that she has not yet invited me to be with her and her family on the holiday. But with her divorce dragging out so long, it doesn't pay for me to push her into anything she doesn't want to do. Although I know that she could be stringing me along, I also have an ulterior motive in keeping the relationship alive.  Touching another person in intimate ways gets addictive. It's part of the glue that helps bind couples together. And I think that she also needs that sense of connection to another human being.

Years ago, when my wife was still alive, I didn't show her the affection she craved so much. She craved the connection I was unable to give her during a troubled part of her life, and we grew apart as people. Yet, we still cared deeply for each other.  After she died, I realized how deeply I cared for her. And it was a while before I realized that I never want to make the same mistake again.

Sooner or later, we will need to make a decision on where we want to go with this relationship. I suspect that she will be unable to live with me as a transgender person who functions well in both male and female presentations. If this happens, I will move forward with my life and not look back.

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But what should I get GFJ for the holiday?  One thing I intend to order is a flexible cell phone stand which she can use while in bed.  She has a habit of falling asleep while holding her phone, and will sometimes lose it when it falls to the floor.  And then, I will likely buy her a sweater or another garment she could use.  But this leaves me wondering what else I should buy, so that she has multiple boxes to open when we're together after the holiday.

This year, I have to be much more careful in my Xmas shopping.  Strangely enough, I've decided to regift a couple of sweaters my parents bought me many years ago that have never been worn because they are too small for me. Hopefully, my dad won't recognize the sweaters when he sees them this year. 

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