A simple post. I try to write one every day, but sometimes I have little to say, but post something anyway. When one doesn't have much to occupy one's time, it's easy to get in the habit of staying in bed and doing nothing. I've noticed that I've done of a lot of this at times when I'm a little depressed.
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We all have times when we are down. Depression is something else. It colors every feeling with a darkness that saps the life out of any joy to be experienced. Laughter is a distant memory. And for many, a lack of any feeling is better than the bad feelings they experience on a daily basis.
Luckily, I only have a very mild form of depression. I rarely feel hopeless, as I've learned how to deal with most of my feelings. Yet, there are traces of my past that still haunt me - such as my food addiction. But it can be much worse. At least, my addiction is legal, and self medicating hurts only me.
Many transgender folk deal with much worse. The "Black Dog" as depression is often called has a very nasty bite. In moments of weakness, it can cause people to take their lives. But most of the time, it triggers self medication, or other indulgences such as getting a new tattoo. Why do I mention tattoos here? Well, I have been told that being inked is a short term thrill for many people. Each time they do it, it's like a spending addict getting a new garment to fill her closet.
Over time, most of us learn how to deal with depression and hold the worst of it at bay. Some people get into exercise. Others get into social activities. But we never completely escape from our pasts. Many of us still deal with repressed anger that keeps bubbling up over many years. This anger can easily cause us to lose jobs, friends and family if we are not alert to what we are feeling at the moment.
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Eventually, I will again have spare money, and I will again go to therapy. When I do, I want to deal with my gender issues. Unlike those with severe Gender Dysphoria, I am able to live in both genders. But I prefer living as a female. How do I deal with things in the long term? I expect that therapy will help me figure this out.
I'm grateful to have had therapy when I needed it. No, I have not escaped from my past. But I think I have an armistice with it for now. And I think that's all I can ask for.