Monday, May 22, 2017

Mother's Day

By the time you read this, Mother's day will be long gone. Yet, becoming a mother (via childbirth) is the one major experience that truly can separate the cisgender female from the transgender female. And many cisgender females use this experience (and all the related problems related to is) as their excuses to say that transgenders are not female enough to socialize as women. To some degree, I can't blame them. But not for reasons these women will articulate well. Unless a transgender woman comes into a group and acts ONLY as a cisgender woman will, she can disrupt a women's group by introducing some of the problems related to her former male privilege.

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With the above being said, I am not interested in a social discussion today.

There is a part of me that misses my mother, having lost her over a decade and a half ago. Yet, I still feel more of a sense of freedom because she's gone. This is probably related to the fact that she tainted the bonding between mother and child with her narcissism. As a result of her child raising, my ability to empathize with others was damaged, and I did not develop enough of the needed "people skills" needed to prosper in life.

My brother and I both developed into adults, not wanting to be anything like her. (Please, no comments from the Peanut Gallery regarding my gender.) I took on mental traits that allowed me to play a great defense at the expense of taking the chances I needed to grow. My brother went in the opposite direction, taking all of those chances and more, forcing himself into being an Alpha Male instead of a person who would be introspective.

My late wife and I never had children, so I never had the opportunity to find out what it would be like to become a Dad (or Mom). Whereas, my brother had two children of his own, and never had the relationship with them as he should have had, as he married a woman who would become an alcoholic and would have to change careers while dealing with the worst of her problems. His children have been scarred by their childhoods, something I'm glad I could not have done.

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Being a mother can be a wonderful thing. But having a mother who can show her love is even more beautiful. I didn't have that. My mom herself was scarred during her formative years. Her father would be considered a child abuser by today's standards. As a result, she probably became self involved as a protective shield. In a way, I feel sorry for her. But I can not excuse her. She is a woman who should not have had children - even though my brother and I would not have come into being. She would likely have been happier not have having the responsibilities of having children, and she would have been freed up to enjoy the life she wanted to live herself.

Years ago, my Dad said that my mother should have born a man. And in many ways, I think he was right. I wonder if she felt that she was born into the wrong body, or had the correct plumbing configuration, but will never have the chance to know this. Certainly my Dad picked up on this a little, but it's not a discussion I want to have with my dad while he spends the last days of his life at the nursing home. There are some questions that will always go unanswered, and I think these are among the many that can not be answered.


Note: Recently, I have had a spammer continuously leaving spam comments that advertise bogus services and products. I have deleted them. Since I am unable to filter out this jerk's crap from immediately being viewable without restricting people truly interested in the blog, I have just changed this blog's settings that all comments are subject to review before being viewable by others. 

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