Monday, February 13, 2017

Sometimes, I just have my doubts.

Sometimes, I have my doubts about whether I should even bother going out en-femme. But there is a part of me that is both thick headed and a lacks a certain type of self awareness that allows me to function outside en-femme.  Am I believable in the role?  I'm not sure, but I know that my voice, size, and mannerisms can give me away. It can get quite scary at times. And things have gotten worse since the lunatics came out of the woodwork on November 9th.

Recently, a "troll" came onto this site and made some questionable remarks. I had no problems brushing off this person.  WDJ thought this person might have been the "Queen Bee" of the Wine and Dine group. But I didn't think this would have been her style, and didn't want to reopen a wound involving this lady. I no longer bother with the W&D, nor am I sure that I'd be welcome again if I attended a function.

Lili has said that she would prefer that I lose about 40 pounds before we go on another cruise. And I wish it were easy to do so. No, I'm not going to do anything as drastic as she did to get the weight off. But I know I have to get back into regular activity ASAP. What activity it will be, I do not know. At least, I still have access to the health club for when I want to restart my exercise regimen.

After what is effectively a 3 year gap in employment, I am no longer sure whether I can do the job I am trying to get.  Is that unusual?  I doubt it. But if I get a job and fail this time around, I will probably choose an early retirement, as I don't think I can deal with another failure of this type and still have enough confidence to recover.

Now that GFJ is on a more rapid path to her divorce, I have my doubts about her as well. Once she is rid of the "Wasband", what will she do?  I'm pretty sure that she wants to live on her own for a few years. And I'm pretty sure that she prefers NOT to see me in Marian mode. So I ask myself, do I want to keep trying to find romance? Or, do I want to get on with it, and start making the next move to live as Marian 24x7?

As you can see, as much as I might seem confident to the outside world, I am accompanied by my doubts. And sometimes, these doubts grab me and won't let go. No matter what happens, I'll see my way through the worst and come out the other side OK.


  1. Marian a very tough question and exactly where I am today as well. No easy answer but I do know that being yourself is not an option and you might resent a person who constantly sees Marian as a hindrance.

    1. Joanna -

      Yes, it's a very tough question. I'm in no hurry to answer it, as I have companionship for now. Being alone is not something pleasant, and something I avoid if possible. Being Marian is a must, and I deal with life's problems with that absolute in mind.