Sunday, December 18, 2016

Things get stranger and stranger


The more I go down my path towards a more feminine self, the more that I feel like I'm navigating a maze.  With most people I encounter, I am open about being transgender.  But I'll only talk about it if it is germane to the conversation.  With others, I talk about my life as if I lived it as a cisgender female, and flip genders as needed to avoid cognitive dissonance between my image and by back story. With family, I still pretend that I am a cisgender male - and will do so at least until my father dies.

But how do I keep track of everything? How do I avoid offending the wrong people?  These are big problems.  Sometimes, it fails miserably, such as in my dealings with one lady from the Whine and Dine.  I can and will make big mistakes on my path of femininity.  But I feel I will always be challenged on this path, as I don't have 59+ years of full time experience in a female body.

So, over time, I find that life can become very strange.  Recently, there was a meeting of the Whine and Dine crew, where this lady I offended did not show up.  Could I have gone and had a good time?  Yes.  But I figure that I'd let WDJ test the waters and see if my name came up in conversation, and if so, find out if anything negative is being said behind my back.  (No, I did not ask her to do anything.  But I know she'd say something, if anything was amiss.)

I never expected Lili to meet someone and actually get along with that someone.  But at the time I'm writing this entry, she seems to have met a man who will put up with her - if not as a lover, then as a friend.  That's a lot to say, knowing Lili.  Will she be able to keep him once her weight comes off?  Who knows?  But I am rooting for her.

As for my love life, things are going well between GFJ and me.  Nothing is perfect.  Since she's the person I'm placing my bets on for now, I see nothing major that will get in our way for the short and medium terms.  But for the long term, finances will likely be an issue for her.  The divorce settlement (when it comes) will not be as good as she needs it to be. So she will have financial difficulties as she gets older.  At least (for now), Obamacare is there for her.

Things with my brother and I are going better than expected.  Years ago, the selection of an apartment in Croton was one of financial expedience. Now, it was a stroke of very good luck, as it forced my brother to deal with many of the headaches my parents would be dumping on him.  For example, my parents would make themselves regular, but often uninvited, guests in my brother's house. And when there, my mother would snoop around where she was not supposed to go.  My niece caught my mother snooping around, and my brother was pissed because of his loss of privacy.  The inconvenience of crossing a bridge to see me was an advantage - I didn't have privacy growing up, but as an adult, had enough privacy to feel secure in my residence.  My brother now is dealing with the vast majority of issues related to taking care of my dad, and taking care of rehabilitating the family home. And, as long as I let him lead the way (this is where being a transgender female pretending to be male is an advantage), I get what I want.

In the end, I'm glad that things are turning out as they are.  But I wish that I could find a decent job again, and have the financial flexibility that I lost at the end of Summer.




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