Sunday, December 11, 2016

Some thoughts on how things have changed over the past year.

A year ago, Lili and I had booked a Caribbean cruise for this week and the week afterwards. I had no idea that I'd find a job, nor did I have an idea that I'd lose that job. And, most of all, I had no idea that I'd have to cancel going on the cruise, so that I could be able to collect unemployment benefits.

Change has been a constant in my life as of late.  And I wish I could find some stability, so that I could make some plans again.  But what would I do?  Given our nation's political situation, I am not sure whether I will take the next cruise en-femme, due to the hostility to transgenders at the top most level of our new policy makers. Can I risk making a border crossing if I don't feel that my rights will be respected upon my return?  That's a question I'll need to answer before I book a spring cruise.

I never thought that I'd be leaving the Whine and Dine group.  Although WDJ may go there on her own, I don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable now that a dominant (not in the BDSM sense) woman there has an issue with me. Yet, I am welcomed by other women's groups closer to home. Did I lose anything, save connections to friendly faces?  I'm not so sure - only WDJ has made an effort to keep in touch. Others have expressed support of me on my personal female Facebook page. So, what should an objective view of reality be?  I don't have answers yet.

At the beginning of the year, my dad was a house bound couch potato.  As I saw him, he was still able to walk (with some effort) and take care of his own needs. (I probably was ignoring subtle signs of Dad's decline, but that's another issue.) Towards the end of February, Dad was diagnosed with bladder cancer at the same time I started my new job. By the end of June, Dad was in the nursing home, and I was on warning at the new job. Three months later, we were ready to have our contractors start work on rehabilitating the family homestead, and I was dismissed from the job. Is this a coincidence? I doubt it. Even if I didn't have the right skills to hold the job, things were made worse by my Dad's decline and by work needed for the family homestead.

Earlier in the year, GFJ was looking forward to another year of outdoor activities.  As in last year, GFJ was looking forward to hiking, kayaking, swimming, and simple, low effort walks with me.  But skin cancer got in the way, followed by an injured foot. One of her cancers was on her back at the belt line.  She couldn't kayak while the affected area healed after the cancer removal.  Then, they had to repeat the procedure, as the doctor had mistakenly removed the benign mole on her back, instead of the cancer below it. Once her back healed, she injured her foot - and was in a "boot" for weeks. She is only now starting to walk with both feet in normal shoes, and this is now irritating her hip. I only wonder what's next.

Because I am looking for work, I will need to be in contact with Ex-GF-M. I never thought that I'd be reaching out to her again. But it made sense, and I figure that I can keep her from clinging to me.  At least, I know that my brother understands why I had to leave her, and respects me for what I did.

Change.  As I said above, it seems to be a constant for me these days.  And I'm hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel is not that from an oncoming train.

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