Tuesday, November 8, 2016

When GFJ is away, Ms. Marian comes out to play.

It's been about 5 years since I broke up with Ex-GF M, and I know to handle any contact with her with extreme care. Today was the day I planned to connect with her again, so that I can use my grad school's alumni career services department in my job search.

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GFJ stayed over Sunday night, and had to leave for work int he morning.  I was glad that she stayed over, but would have been very unhappy if she stayed over longer than she did, as I didn't want to make any excuses to get rid of her so I could go to New Rochelle for dinner with my ex.

After GFJ left, I took it easy most of the day, and I didn't get moving until 3:00 pm. But that gave me just enough time to get showered, shaved, made up and dressed, so that I could meet Ex-GF M in New Rochelle.  Traffic was terrible, and I got caught in two major traffic jams on the way to the restaurant.  Luckily, Ex-GF M was stuck in even worse traffic coming from the West Side of Manhattan.

The photo at the top of this entry is Ex-GF M when she was able to walk around a little. I expected her to look much the same (save for the fake glasses I drew into the picture to preserve her privacy). But I was saddened to see her still walking with the assistance of a cane. Ex-GF M recognized me right away.  Yes, she knew of my penchant for wearing women's clothes.  But she didn't realize how far I would progress on my way to femininity.  She saw a peacefulness in me that she never saw when we were going out together.  We talked of many things, including how she damaged her back and leg taking care of her parents in Florida before they passed away, which explains why she has a lot of trouble walking around.  She recognizes (too late) that her mistake was being the overly dutiful daughter to her parents, and making sacrifices that no one had a right to ask of her.

I told her about my job search, and that she'd be glad to help me using the services her office can provide. However, as one would expect, any contact with her is potentially fraught with peril. Although she has dated, and nothing coming of it, she hinted that she would love to have me back (without using words). One of the things I recognized her doing was to say that she was with me for things I know she was not.  For example, if I had mentioned that we saw "The Addams Family" together on Broadway, that would be true.  But when I mentioned that I saw "Springtime for Hitler" ("The Producers"), she claimed that she saw it with me. This is a false statement.  I saw that play alone for the the first time, and then saw it with Patty a couple of months later. (That was a very special weekend for Patty and me.) She also claimed that I showed her a corset I have, and I know I didn't do so, as I didn't buy it until after I broke up with her.  This woman loves to repaint reality with her view of it, and it's dangerous for someone like me to depend on someone who distorts memory for her needs.

My ex has become a cripple, and is willing to accept me and my transgender nature as a price for not being alone. It would have been much different had I chosen to stay with her years ago. But I didn't want to stay with a person who would sabotage my chances of getting my own act together, getting my excessive weight off, and becoming more attractive to others.  Allowing myself to become close to her again would also be a great risk, as I don't want to bury another wife before I'm very old and very gray.  So I'll be very careful about how much I let her know about me, and how close I let her get to me.  I need the services of my school for my job search, and this is a path I avoided taking the first time I was on the market.

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When I eventually drop in to see Ex-GF M at the school, I'll likely go in Marian mode.  First, I won't need Mario mode to talk with her. And then, she's comfortable with me as Marian. Sadly, I don't want to let her get her hopes up. So I'll have to be careful for her sake as well.

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