Monday, October 10, 2016

Starting my job search

There's a certain resistance one has in regard to doing unpleasant things. In my case, it is the drudgery of looking at the want ads every day, and seeing if there are any job openings that match my skills. This wasn't pleasant the first time around, and it won't be pleasant this time around. Yet, it's something that needs to be done if I want to work again.

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This weekend's original plan was for me to go to a women's dinner meetup on Friday night, work with my brother at the family homestead on Saturday, and then spend much of the day with GFJ on Sunday.  Things did not happen as planned.  GFJ realized that her schedule didn't make sense, and we agreed to meet on Tuesday for lunch and a movie, and then have four days together for a long weekend.  This gave me the option of having an extra day in Marian mode.

I knew I had to break through my wall of resistance and send out my first couple of job applications.  I also had to keep track of them for the department of labor, so that there was proof of my job search.  This, I took care of quickly, then started a folder and set of spreadsheets to record this search.  I'm pretty sure that I'll have to maintain a copy of this information on a memory stick, as the department of labor will want to see proof of this job search to justify paying me my earned unemployment benefits.

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Lili called while I was working on the job search record keeping, and she was going out to Long Island for Jewish New Year.  I joked, and said I'd have liked to have joined her.  But neither Lili nor I knew that I'd be free today. Yet, she said she would have asked me to come with her had she known I was free.  

Each time I meet new people, or socialize with people, I want to be in Marian Mode.  GFJ and I get along very well, but I think we're avoiding the big elephant in the room: my transgender nature.  She only wants to see Mario (I can't blame her for that), while I want to spend more and more of my time as Marian.  At some time in the future, we will need to address the issue of how much time I spend as Marian and as Mario, and see if there is a way we can work things out.

Of course, there is a question with Lili and her family.  What would they think if Marian started coming to family events?  If people ask, I say that I'm a pre-op M2F Transgender person. Would they welcome me?  I won't know until I am included in her family events.  

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Ideally, there would be no problem with me going through a social transition, and living my life 24x7 as Marian.  Sadly, there are problems, and I try to manage them as best as possible. And I think that's all I can do for now.


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