Tuesday, September 6, 2016

What do I really want?

I rubbed the lamp, and there was no Genie. 

That's the kind of luck I've been having lately.  But this T-Girl misses her time en-femme, and wonders whether her problems on the job are caused by a subconscious desire to sabotage Mario and his need to work for Marian's need to be with the girls.

Hopefully, I'm not sabotaging myself, but I can't be sure.  After 13 years of therapy, I know the strange things one's mind can do to resolve internal angst. The subconscious craves the security of the hell one knows to the heaven one might get to know.  There is little rhyme or reason to the subconscious, save that it sees the world in the context of more primitive mental functions.

- - - - - -

After a overly long status meeting with my boss, I went back to my desk to find that Vicki had written me a message.  She apologized for not getting back to me on Sunday, and our short text exchange had me calling her this evening.  This did not happen due to the time I left the office.  By the time I got home, it was already 8:30 pm.  Then, when I was retrieving my mail from the mailbox downstairs, GFJ called - and I was on the phone with her for an hour.  Since I do not know Vicki's sleep schedule now that she's in her new job, I figure that I'd call her when I get home tomorrow.

GFJ is going to a legal proceeding tomorrow afternoon, and I wish her luck.  The previous two times this proceeding has been called, the Wasband did not appear.  GFJ was hoping for a summary judgement. One problem now - the Wasband is now functioning on 5 of his 6 mental cylinders, and realizes that he has to go to court tomorrow.  AARGH!  Why can't she be done with this already?  (The "AARGH!" is more of a sympathetic feeling for her, and a recognition of her frustration.  I'd like this to be over for her, so that she can move forward with her life.) Hopefully, tomorrow will be a step forward for her, instead of another wasted afternoon.

- - - - - -

Let's go back to the question which gives this entry its title.  What do I really want?

Right now, I'd like some stability in life.  Whether or not it means having work, I need to begin feeling comfort again. I no longer have enough time as Marian to recharge my spiritual batteries. Work makes it impossible for me to do much of anything after I get home, due to the long commute. And the troubles with my dad keep draining my emotional and physical energy, as I can't focus on my needs. 

Yet, I can't complain.  My brother and I had to get all of our dad's finances under control, all of his money accounted for, and legal papers processed for a month-end Medicaid deadline. This weekend, my brother received information about one more cash value insurance policy. To be sure that we could get the money in our hands and visible to the state government for Medicaid purposes, my brother had to impersonate my dad on the phone this morning. Even though we have a legal power of attorney, we couldn't risk another financial institution delaying payment of dad's funds with this deadline looming before us. (One of the banks that held dad's money refused to recognize the power of attorney - and my brother had to being our invalid dad to the bank to make the transaction in person.)  To make things worse, I had to put in a call to the family accountant over the weekend, in order to have dad's 2016 taxes computed. This would allow my brother to pay my dad's estimated taxes before month end out of dad's cash on hand. Thankfully, our accountant, a close friend of dad's, dropped everything this morning, so that we could take care of dad.

Please note that we are not cheating on taxes, nor are we hiding any assets from the government. Everything is on the "up and up" when it comes to money and the government. We were stuck with getting dad's finances in order in less than a two month period.  And we are stuck with getting a house in a condition it can be lived in, so that it can be rented out to tenants before the year end holiday season. This is an exhausting affair, and it is draining me of what little energy I have left.

So if I were answer the question fully, I'd like some stability.  I'd like a stable income source from a job that pays well and is close to home, that I enjoy going to each morning.  I'd like for the problems on Long Island to take care of themselves, so that I could have that extra day back in my life every week. And, I'd like to have someone in my life who cherishes me both as Mario and as Marian. Is this too much to ask?

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