Friday, August 26, 2016

My boss is back, and game night didn't help me tonight.

Game night.  Normally, it eases my tensions and makes me feel better.  But tonight, it couldn't overcome the depressed feelings that I got because my boss is back.

I won't go into details, but I didn't keep him informed (via emails) of what was going on in my project, nor did I call his boss in to be of help with Tuesday's meeting.  This got him really pissed, and he belabored the point way too much for me to feel good for the rest of the day.  Later on, he asked me some questions about why I made some choices, and I answered with a mention that I asked for help, and then got referred to a person other than who my boss would have asked for help.  Peeling back the onion a little, I showed him my email to this person, and he made a big stink about giving him a different answer than what I was looking for while he was out.  I think that he sees that the is something about how we relate to each other that is causing me to doubt myself, and also give incorrect answers to his questions.

What I don't want to tell him is that his way of saying I'm doing things wrong is so heavy handed, that it is triggering transference of problems from early childhood that bubbling up to the surface, and causing me to fail on the job.  All I want to do is make it to the day when I'm eligible for unemployment insurance - and then the firm can let me go.  I'll always be grateful for the chances they gave me.  But I don't need the stress he's putting me through, nor do I need the headaches from someone who misjudged me from the start.  (He is a good person, but we have never been able to get in sync with each other.) 

Could this be a subconscious attempt to sabotage myself going on?  Maybe.  But with my father being diagnosed with bladder cancer within the first couple of weeks of me working there, and his health decline through the past 6 months that put him in the nursing home, it's easy to understand some of the extra stresses I'm dealing with.  Add to this a 2 hour commute each way, and I really don't want to go into the office anymore.

Today was the worst day I've had in months, and it's because I see no hope in going into the office anymore.  I am now truly going through the motions to stay employed as long as possible, and will embrace unemployment when it comes. For a person who always worried a bit about money, this is a lot to say - especially when becoming Marian for a few hours can't break me out of this funk.

So I dread going into the office in the morning, as I'll have to deal with my boss for at least a couple of hours. And much of that time, I'll have to deal with him being very critical of my work.  All I care about is that I don't get laid off until after I qualify for unemployment insurance.  (Didn't I just say that before? :-)  )

Keep your fingers crossed.

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