As I've mentioned in many an entry over the past few months, I wish I had more time to spend as Marian. I am much more comfortable as Marian than I am as Mario. And yet, I am stuck in Mario Mode in order to earn a living. This is an unsolvable problem. Yet, it will work itself out in time.
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As much as I hated being unemployed, I enjoyed having the time to make and to grow friendships as Marian. Although the seeds of these friendships had the time to germinate, they did not have the time to develop deep roots and flourish. So, I have people who I can call while in Marian Mode, but not the type of friends who'd call me on their whim.
I don't make friends easily as Mario, but I found that Marian has a more appealing personality. Is it because there is a major difference between my two persona and how they express themselves? Or, is it because my underlying personality is more natural for a female, and women find Marian welcoming? Who knows?
Now and then, I'm asked - Why don't you socially transition and get it over with? Why not start going to work as Marian and stop having to switch back and forth between the two presentations? Ah, if it were all that easy. Even if we were to ignore the problems I'm having at work, I'd still have troubles even talking to HR - it is a remote function, with the closest human representative hundreds of miles away. And then I'd have to consider the intolerable summer commute, an ordeal which Mario barely deals with. Of course, I'd also have to consider Mario's relations with his friends and family. My dad would be shocked, and I wouldn't want to do that to him. He might be able to accept things, and then again, he might not. But why do that to him. Then there would be my brother and his wife to deal with. It's much easier to defer this issue a little bit longer....
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Transition is elusive. But it will come with time. So I need as much time as possible living as Marian as I can get. And I miss what I had while unemployed. But I think Mario would miss just as much not having a place to go to and earn a living. Work, friends, and family mean a lot to every man and woman having to make his/her way in this world. And with each choice there is a trade-off. I plan to postpone as many choices as possible, so that I can better know what I am trading away and what I get to keep. Is this the best thing to do? I'm not sure....