In a way, I wish that I could come out at work. But for physical comfort alone, it isn't wise. This is not the time nor the place to take chances - especially when I'm performing well.
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Ignoring the financial aspects of having a job, there's a part of me that wishes that I never found this job. I miss my time out as Marian, and I hope I'm not subconsciously sabotaging myself to have that time back in my life. If I am doing this, it is likely because I need to be Marian so much. Yet, I still feel that there is a part of me that is not suited for the type of work I want to do - and there is very little benefit in me to pay thousands of dollars, and many months to train for a job which I'll only keep for maybe 5-8 years at best.
What would happen if I were to lose my job? I figure it would be the same as when I lost my job at the bank. I'd be tied down to being near home for the period I'm on unemployment (as I'd be able to collect again after 6 months of full time employment), and then I'd be free to travel again. One problem - the cruise that I planned to go on with Lili would be impossible to go on, unless I arranged for someone to impersonate me online. And that's something I don't want to do - I like being 100% legal, unlike many people - including a former therapist.
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Each person I mention this problem to either wants to make reassuring noises (which I don't need, as I'm not a child anymore) or to over analyze things in an attempt to fix the problem. I figure that if I need help, then I'll ask for it. If help won't help, then I'll try to muddle through. Either way, I'll choose my path, instead of letting well meaning outsiders (read: people who are not me) choose it for me.