Wednesday, June 15, 2016

I'm tired....

Over the past 3 months, I have given my job my all.  Yet, I just can't seem to do enough right. I'm forgetting to do things, and I can't keep up with all the details. Could it be the ambivalence I had when accepting the job?  Did I really want to be Marian more than I wanted a good income? There is no easy answer to that question.

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The friend (WDS) who was the best man at my wedding made this comment today in an email:

I think that you mostly stopped learning when you were satisfied with working at the bank for a few decades. You stopped being curious, and that was a quality that was easily palpable to those who knew you when you were an enfant terrible. Time and life changes us. You were so young when your wife died; I have no doubt that affected you greatly.

If what you’re doing to learn is not helping you to learn as quickly as you would like, change how you’re trying to learn. For many things, reading is enough, but some things are learned more quickly by doing them over and over and over.

After you put in a learning session, go to bed for the night or take a nap. That’s not bull; it’s based on hard, no non-sense research.

Sadly, I know the research all too well.  But he keeps seeing me as the technical whiz kid I was almost 40 years ago, and not the person who is no longer that interested in technology. He often tries to steer me back into technology, not knowing my current wants and needs.  In regard to my job, he thinks that I can load our package onto a home computer (I can't) and play with it to my heart's content.

What I do for a living involves learning a lot about our infrastructure, learning the nuances of the platforms we support, and figuring out how to specify and track what has to be done for our clients. We have one set of servers for our clients' databases, another set for report writing, and another set for the actual processing that is getting done for our clients. (This is as generic as I can get - I'm not at liberty to reveal the underpinnings of our system, nor would I do so if I were able.)

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Although life shapes us, we also have the ability to change ourselves through will.

My friend has no idea of who he will vote for in this election, but this comment of his (extracted from the multi line quote above) is a little ironic considering how many people are comparing Trump to Hitler these days....  I am reminded of the movie "Triumph of the Will."  Lately, I feel burned out, and that I don't have much more to give.  Triumph of the will?  No, if anything, it'll be a triumph of me outlasting the problems that beset me.

The other day, I looked at some financials for an early retirement.  If I can keep this job for another 5 years or so, I could retire 2 1/2 years early, pay my bills out of pocket while waiting for social security to kick in, and then have as much spending money as I do now.  And, as a benefit, I could be living en-femme that much earlier.  Now, that would be a triumph!

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