Wednesday, May 18, 2016

The tensions in my life

Everyone has to make tradeoffs in life.  I am not an exception to this rule.  But some people wonder how I can do this without falling off the high wire - and I wonder why I haven't fallen earlier.

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Lately, the biggest tradeoff in my life has been a terrible commute in exchange for the money I need to live a comfortable life.  The problem is that I don't have the time to live that life (en-femme) as I'd like to do.  And I worry that this stress is taking its toll on me, as I've been having a lot of unexplained "Brain Farts" lately - something I never used to have.  Could my subconscious be working against me?  I have no idea.  But I am afraid.

Let's say that I find a comfortable compromise between work and having time in my life to go out as Marian.  I still have problems with GFJ, as she isn't comfortable with me in Marian mode.  I'd still need to find a way to get enough Marian time in while she is in my life.

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I could go on and on about finding time to be in Marian mode.  But there is a financial tension at work too.  I'm in my late 50's, and I only have so much time left in the workforce, and only so much time I can earn decent money for my efforts.  It frightens me that I may have to leave the workforce long before I'm financially ready to do so.

If I were to retire today, I'd have to live on half as much money as I'd have 10 years from now.  The 401K is not as large as I need it to be, and I can ill afford to pay for the health care I might need on my own.  (That $6,000+ each year that I'd have to pay puts a big dent in my pocketbook.)  So I'm forced to keep working.  So far, I've been very lucky, but things could change quickly.

One thing I'm concerned about is a possible incidence of dementia.  My grandmother (on my dad's side) had it, and it was a nasty experience. When she fell and bruised herself, the authorities investigated my parents for elder abuse after my parents brought her to the doctor. This is an experience I feel I have no right to impose on others, and I also feel that no one has the right to ask (much less compel) me to do so. 

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One of the things I enjoy about my current life is that I have a very affordable place to live. The weather is not perfect, as we tend to have cold winters and hot summers. Yet, I will not move to the South where I could own a house for what I'm paying for my apartment - I do not feel safe living in any area that would tell transgenders that they can not go to a public washroom. I doubt that I'll move to California, where the weather and society better suits a transgender person, as real estate is outrageously priced - and I could only afford a broom closet of an apartment there.

Yes, there is a tension between the price I want to pay for real estate and the places I'd want to live.  If all things were equal, I'd already be in San Francisco.  But when I'd have to pay over $3000/month for an apartment like mine in the suburbs, would it really make any sense to go there, save on vacation?

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There are so many tradeoffs we must make in life, and I deal with mine as best I can.  Hopefully, when I retire, I'll be better able to get what I want from life. Until then, I'll keep making tradeoffs....   


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