Sunday, March 13, 2016
It's been two weeks that I've been on the job, and I've started to get into a new routine. Once it has set, I figure that I'll be able to get simple things done without having to think about them, saving my energy for the more important activities in life. But there is a problem. I've become used to spending more of my time as Marian as I do now, and I miss that release. (Maybe there's a touch of something else going on in my head that I don't yet understand.)
When I get home at night, I find that I have virtually no energy, save to surf the web a little before sleep. That's OK in itself, but I don't have the energy to devote to writing a more interesting blog entry. Couple this with a lack of Marian time, and I have much fewer incidents of being Marian to report on. And I miss that.
WPB once noted that I should take advantage of this period that I have to live mostly as Mario as a chance to understand more of what being Mario and Marian is all about. And she may be right. This is a chance to discover more about what I really feel about being Marian - am I willing to really be out to everyone? Not yet. So there could still be some major ambivalence about transition - social or medical. WPB noted that I still wanted a traditional relationship with a woman. I'd take out the word "traditional" from that sentence. Given my experience in dating, I've found that there is something about me that women subconsciously see that takes me off of their "dateable" radar. (And it's not just my weight. It is more likely to be body language, the shape of my face, and other things that are too subtle to be noticed consciously without training.) And I know that it would be much harder to find companionship post transition.So I think I'm being rational.
I also miss the blinders that I once had on when I started going out as Marian. I'm noticing more of the little micro aggressions that people not comfortable with trans folk often do - and even with people who are friendly with me. No, I'm not going into a discussion about this right now - but I will cover this topic sometime in the future.
But most importantly, I miss having the flexibility I needed in life. During my period of unemployment, I could juggle my time and find enough of it to be both Mario and Marian. I could go where I wanted, when I wanted, and be who I wanted. Not anymore. But in a way, this is a blessing. I now know how I want to live my life when I'm retired - and that's a good thing. Mario would have retired from the world and waited until the sunset of his life. Marian would (and will) take a different path, as she will engage the world as who she is, and find new friends, and has exciting experiences until the time the grim reaper comes....