Monday, March 28, 2016

Exhaustion


Last night, it was "An Evening with Groucho".  For most of today, it was a matter of rest.  Although I was in bed by midnight, I probably slept about 12 hours - as I turned off my 8:00 am Sunday alarm, and didn't arise until after noon.  One benefit of this sleep - the little "bug" I had in the back of my throat was gone. Sleeping must have helped my body get rid of a bug before it made my life miserable.

One problem - by the time I got moving, I didn't have many choices in what to do.  If I went out (especially in Marian mode), I'd never have been able to do laundry. And if I stayed in (which I did), I'd lose the chance to go out in Marian mode until later this week.  At least, I am feeling very relaxed today....

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There is only so much I can do with my life these days.  And last night's conversation with Vicki was thought provoking, not because it covered any new ground, but because it made me look carefully at the choices I must make in the future.

One of the things Vicki and I discussed was presentation.  Unlike a cross dresser who gets an erotic thrill from wearing women's clothes, she noted that I want to look as authentic as possible, and to be taken for (and be treated as) a woman in all social settings where I an presenting myself as Marian. Fortunately, no one looks too closely at a fat person, so I have an advantage which will go away as I lose weight. This means that I will need to start voice training as soon as possible, so that I can prevent my voice from giving me away as being transgender.

Why is being "stealth" so important to me?  The less I look and sound like I was born a male, the more I am accepted among women.  If I'm out as Marian, this could be the difference between life and death in some areas of the country. This is something Vicki understands well - and she is a cisgender female.  And this is why she apologized profusely when she accidentally outed me last night.

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Lili, on the other hand, is blind to this.  She sees that there is a problem, but she wants to be in control of who and who not to tell about me.  This can be very dangerous, as she has no clue about things - and can get excessively defensive when brushing things off is the best course of action.  For example, she told her tenant about me before the three of us had dinner last month. This was not her right to do so.  I have no problem with outing myself. And I have a better read of people than she does. Most of the time, the best course of action is to act as if I am cisgender, and let other people ask questions if it "concerns them". It's much easier for me to explain things than to delegate this task to anyone else. And it is safer too....

When I mentioned Lili's outing of me in my conversation with Vicki, it was obvious to Vicki that Lili is a bit of a narcissist. And I think she's right about Lili.  So I'm glad that I never put the two women together, as Vicki would be very uncomfortable with Lili.... 








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