Monday, February 22, 2016
This place once was a home for a joyful family.
As you can tell, I shot this picture through a screened window. If you look carefully, you'll see Christmas Trees which have been denuded of branches and needles below the 5 foot line. This is the effect of deer feeding on trees which have been neglected and unprotected for several years.
Without saying too much about GFJ, one can see that her home was once a place with a joyful family living there. She is now in sole possession of the family homestead, and would not be able to maintain the acreage as a profitable farm or a simple residential property. Sooner or later, she will need to leave this place - but not until marital assets have been divided between the two parties.
When I visit GFJ, I'm always glad to be with her. Yet, there is a part of me that is sad when I'm at her place - and I think it's related to the lack of finality surrounding this chapter of her life. Maybe it's because that I finished (if we ever do) grieving for my late wife years ago. In her case, she's unable to move too far forward while there are chains holding her back.
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I'm grateful that GFJ accepts the fact that I am both Mario and Marian. But I wonder how she'd deal with things, if she were living with me and I were coming and going as Marian much of the time. Recently, I've been finding meetups that I'd love to go to as Marian on weekends - if GFJ were otherwise occupied. If we were living together, how comfortable would she be if I was out and about as Marian and had to change back to being Mario when I got home? Yes, I've asked this question before in this forum, and I'll ask it again. Unfortunately, I can't move forward until I have that answer.
GGJ accepts (for now) that I vacation with Lili in Marian Mode. This is a lot to ask of any woman in our culture. It is the one time every year that I can get out and about as Marian, with no escape to being Mario. And Marian has developed into a core part of my being, as Mario and Marian are full fledged manifestations of my core personality. I can't imagine life anymore without being able to express myself in my Marian persona.
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I consider myself lucky to have learned a lot while I was unemployed. I'm able to go out and about as Marian, and be accepted as the woman I've become. And I'm lucky to be able to go out in the world as Mario - as I'm able to understand life from both sides of the gender coin. Although this understanding is very different than if I could have lived life concurrently in two separate bodies, it is valuable to me - and that's what is important to me....