Yes, I am a little scared and a little ambivalent about the potential new job that I interviewed for on Tuesday. Can I do the job? I think so, but it won't be a slam dunk. I'll have to bust my ass to do so. This is the fear of failure rearing its ugly head. And my ambivalence comes from the facts that I have gotten used to being Marian much of the time during the work week, and am not sure that I want to work 40+ hours each week in a location that requires a two hour commute each way.
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Today, I had to get my references in order so that the firm could get a read on who I really am. Although my former boss (who was forced out as a result of the merger) will be able to give an honest and accurate read on my skills and attributes, I can't say that about the last boss I had - she was never available, rarely visited my office (she lived and worked over 300 miles away), and didn't value my contributions to the firm. She's one person I can't afford to have this new firm contact. I have two more references lined up from the old firm, as well as two more references from my volunteer activities. So I should be in good shape when I submit this information. However, it takes a little time to connect with former coworkers and again do the courteous thing and ask for them to give me a reference - especially after a year and a half of unemployment. And this required me to stall the new firm a little, so that I can get my my ducks in a row. It's hard to believe that I'd be in this situation less than 2 weeks ago.
Unfortunately, I wasn't able to go to NPW today - and I didn't reach NPWJ in time. Even though I sent her an email, we got our signals crossed. When I finally made it to the GLBT Center, it was already late afternoon, and I was tasked with cleaning up their press (publicity) contact list. As expected, when I mentioned what had gone on the day before, same expected question that NPWJ had asked me the week before was asked - Did I apply for the job as Mario or Marian? Sadly, I had to reply, I had to apply as Mario - none of my professional contacts know that I am Transgender, and this was not the time for me to tell them.
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When I left the GLBT Center, I ended up calling Pat. Of course, she rehashed what went on this weekend, and noted that I was missed. I wasn't going to tell her that at the church, I wasn't in a mingling mood so I left. Nor was I going to tell her that I just wasn't up to having a free dinner the next day given by her chiropractor as a way of drumming up business. So I told her a white lie to both situations, and had a nice, but quick chat while on my way to Stew Leonard's.
Although it's likely to snow this weekend, I'm not worried about how much of the white stuff I'll have to clear away from my car. Pat, on the other hand, will have a big problem - and I feel sorry for her. She is in her mid 70's, and at the point where she shouldn't be doing strenuous activity any more. But I'm not going to volunteer to drive 45 minutes, clear out her car for an hour, then drive back home again. Selfish? Yes. But not in the unreasonable range for an average person.
Hopefully, it won't snow too much on Saturday, and I'll be able to get out and about without many problems. Will I go out en-femme? The answer is: Only if I can deal with the slop outside. Otherwise, Mario, not Marian will be out and about for a while.