My plans for the day were simple. Go to the health club and get some long needed exercise, and then change into Marian Mode and go to a Gal Pals Meetup (replacing one previously cancelled due to lack of attendance). Of course, things never go exactly as expected, and today was no different....
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Not having a fixed schedule, I felt as it I had all the time in the world today. So I didn't get moving until early in the afternoon. One of the things I've noticed is that my cell phone isn't charging when I use a car charger. So I figured that I'd try using a new cable, and connect it to my car's USB port - with no luck. This means that I will need to find some time to make it to Verizon this weekend, and ask some questions about the phone. I can't afford to have a phone that I can't recharge in the car - I depend on the phone too much.
Checking the phone, I find that there is a message waiting for me - the Gal Pals meetup has been cancelled. This is the second time a meetup at this Mt. Kisco venue has been cancelled. Maybe this is an omen about my participation in the group as Marian. Of course, I had a chuckle as I read my email - The organizer of the Whine and Dine meetup had setup for next Friday Evening a meetup where some ladies would learn how to Pole Dance. Could you imagine this T-Gal twisting herself on a pole as if she was a cisgendered 20 year old woman? I can't!!!!
So I figured that I could now take my time at the health club - and I didn't rush things. And surprisingly, I didn't feel like I needed to take a hydration break during my exercise. Although I could have rushed home to get into Marian Mode, I asked myself "Why?" I had no place to go, and I'd be spending extra money to do so. Since I was in the area, I went to Home Depot, and found out what I'd need to spend on replacing two sets of closet doors, making it easier to access clothes in my "female closet." As much as I'd like to do this, I'll hold of spending the $400 it will take to do this, and wait until I have a new job.
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Having mentioned jobs, I figure that there are two developments I should mention:
- A company (whose position I thought would be a stretch for me to get) sent me an email asking me when it would be most convenient to talk. This is great news, and I hope to have further developments on this next week.
- A volunteer organization that I had written off finally contacted me, and I intend to call them back next week for the volunteer position I wanted. This would give me valuable experience working in Marian Mode, and could eventually be parlayed into a position somewhere else, working as Marian.
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Then there is the situation between me and GFJ. We started a chat with how she reacted when she knew she had to leave her husband for good.... (Edited conversation follows.)
If anyone was depressed and blindsided I think I was. I got through all of this without medication. In the very beginning I was drinking one or two glasses of wine or Vodka but that was a very short period of time.
Yes - after a short while, one grows up and picks up on the phrase from "The Shawshank Redemption" to "Get busy living, or get busy dying." I prefer to live - so I try to be with people as much as I can. It's when I have nothing to do, no place that needs me to be there, that causes me to veg out and burn time doing nothing....
The best for me was meetup. But even before that I was going out with different groups AAUW and on day trips with the bank. I was always the youngest but you know I can talk to a picket fence. I had to go on with my life. After I got over the shock I have come to realize it was the best thing that could happen to me. It took me out of my grind. I guess I am a lot like my mother and independent person who doesn't have to have people with them. I can go anywhere by myself even snowshoeing in the woods. I have even gone camping by myself. I have learned so much in the past 3 years it is amazing. By the way it is 3 yrs this month. 3 yrs ago Easter I couldn't stop crying. I was at my elder son's house and he didn't know what to do with me. Luckily his girlfriends mother called to wish him Happy Easter and he talked with her . She was a widow . She said let her cry and go out and do things. My elder son helped me write my resume that I had written already.
And it is precisely those characteristics in you that I cherish - your ability to live!
So things happen for a reason and at times we don't see the reason for it . As I keep telling you the reason you are home is to allow you to pursue what you want and that is Marian. You are rightfully proud of how you have worked on Marian. And I think if you pursue that it will make you very proud and happy. I think you should work on your voice lessons so you feel more comfortable. Find groups of friends that you feel comfortable with being Marian. If you notice you are happier when you are socializing as Marian in your wine group and game night, then you should find more people to be with that Marian is comfortable with - just like you have Lili to be friends with and she likes you as Marian.
Yes - I want Marian very much. But not as much as I want a companion in life. I need my time as Marian as much as I need companionship, and I am comfortable functioning as both Marian and Mario. I intend to get voice lessons - next year, if I am not working, later on if I am.
I too am in 2 different worlds. I am still technically married - I fought to try to stay that way, but I found I am happier in my single world. I don't need the security of a marriage to survive. I can depend on myself with the help of my friends especially my good friend you - just as Lili has you as a good friend. Things may be progressing that I may still be able to work but be homeless.
I hope you are never homeless. You know how I feel about you - you'd have a home with me.... But the issues with dissolving your marriage must eventually be worked out. This woman has a similar situation to you, and is independent, though technically married because of health benefits.
It wasn't easy to get to this point. I was roller coasting last Feb and had to go into therapy and found the therapist wasn't there when I really needed her and I realized I was the only one who could help myself to get where I wanted to be. I had to rely on myself. I have learned and many woman in my position to pick ourselves up by our bootstraps put on our big girl pants and move on.
I keep saying that it's time to leave this therapist, and when I try to make the small moves - they are countered. But I have to make the break soon - I can't afford him anymore.
You and I may both be on a real budget but we have our health and mental ability to take care of ourselves. Many people have a lot less so we should consider ourselves fortunate.
I agree - and I do consider myself fortunate.
Somewhere in this conversation, I hope you noted something that I noted.....
I can depend on myself with the help of my friends especially my good friend you