Thursday, May 30, 2013

Quickie: Missing connections due to time constraints.

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of chatting with several out of town tourists on the NYC subway. These ladies were looking for a in-system bathroom where they could relieve themselves before continuing on to their destination in Harlem.  (Yes, they exist in the subway system - but would a woman really want to use them?)   Since I knew of several at Times Square, I said that I'd lead them to the loo, but that they would probably want to squat, not sit.  They had looks on their faces until I said - I understand more than you might think, and proceeded to show them several pictures of me in Marian Mode.....  I made 3 new friends, but missed my train at Grand Central.

Going home today, I missed my train by 5 minutes.  Not bad, considering everything.  Since the next train left 15 minutes later, I was able to pick a seat and get comfortable for the ride home. Once home, I hopped in my car, and went to the Laser operator, and picked up a small tube of Lidocane to anesthetize my face before next week's zapping....

Tonight, I find out that my out of town friend (and roommate) may not be able to connect with me in NYC - like me, he's not out to his family, and will be with "civilians" all weekend.  :-(    As much as I'll miss seeing him and his roommate, I'll be able to schedule time with both K and L - always a pleasure to see each of these women.

Yes - a lot of missed connections.   But something of value did result from each one of them....

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Quickie - The Weather and a Visitor or two...

If all goes as planned, I'll have a couple of visitors from out of town coming to NYC soon.  But the weekend weather looks like it will be very hot and very humid.  What does it mean for this gal?  Discomfort at best - I hate hot and humid weather.

In cooler weather, I'd be more than glad to use subways for my main transportation mode in NYC.  But not in HH weather.  The more I can stay in a breeze, or in air conditioned bliss, the better.  This does put a damper on my time in Marian Mode.

I'll be sure to keep my readers up to date...

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Quickie: Meeting people....

As I've mentioned before, I have a personal ad with my female pictures on it.  Although the ad says I'm a male cross dresser, many ladies think the ad was put there by mistake.  Others read closely, and send emails to wish me the best (I'm not their type, but they admire me being "out there".)  And still there are some who love looking at the ad, seeing me as either a curiosity OR wondering why I dress this way.  (I get no responses from this group.)  But there are a select few who have responded to this ad AND want to get to know me better.

Of this last type is K (of whom I've written before), who sees me as dating material.  Then there is M, who sees me as dating material.  And finally, S, who sees me as friendship material.  By the time I settle down with someone, I figure that I may have made several female friends who I intend to keep for the long term.  However, this time, I'll probably be socializing with them in female mode - a very interesting prospect.

Hopefully, I'll be able to go out like this much more often than I do now....

Swatting bugs (of the computer type)....

As I may have mentioned, I have been the "go to person" when some friends have computer problems.  Today was one of those days.  Thankfully, I was able to swat these bugs in "Marian Mode".

It's not often that I get to see my friend Vicki twice in one weekend.  But her husband was working upstate, and Vicki had a computer infected with a nasty virus.  So I took the time to generate both a DVD with a bootable version of Linux (with antivirus software on it) AND a Windows thumb drive (portable applications) with up to date antivirus software on it.  Vicki wasn't available until 2:00 pm - so I killed time by doing some grocery shopping at the local supermarket.  I wasn't sure of what to wear, so I put on a very loose peasant shirt and a pair of pink capri pants.  (Too bad I didn't get pictures....)  Even my underwear was perfect for the outfit - but this gal is modest, and wouldn't strip down to capture that in photographs.

I saw a lot of women at the supermarket wearing dresses and skirts, so when I went home, I decided to change into something more comfortable (pictured below):

If the weather stays reasonably comfortable, I intend to get a lot of mileage out of this dress this summer.  Believe it or not, I was hoping for Vicki's husband to come home - Vickie had prepped him that I dress this way a while back, and it would have been nice to show him that she isn't joking.

Of course, I had a second appointment, and my friend P (the 73 y/o lady I've mentioned in prior posts) needed me to help her with her computer (and to help her replace the cable modem in her place.)  P has absolutely no clue regarding computers, electronics, and such, and relies on her friends to do things for her.  But tonight, P was in rare form - totally confused by the simplest of things.  Although she wanted to be shown how to do things with her computer (again), she was in no shape to do so.  So we decided to sit down and chat.  But before we sat down, she took the following picture of me:

Not as good as the one taken by Vicki...  But it shows how the same outfit on the same person could look a little less attractive given a change in background.

In our chat, I noted that I am getting much more comfortable every day I go into Marian Mode.  This type of "Normalcy" is strange - it's as if the feminine role is more of what I was supposed to be in life. I could easily consider living this way 24x7 - could I be going down the road to transition without knowing it?  (Both of us had this thought.  I am aware of the possibility, and will deal with it if it becomes a reasonable choice.)  For now, that option is way out of the picture.  It's hard enough finding love as it is - I don't want to make it virtually impossible....

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Quickie - There's hope for us yet!

Today, L came up here to be with me, and we walked the nearby rail trail.  I took the opportunity to mention last night's activities with Vicki (although not in complete detail) and she seemed comfortable - including showing her the picture of Vicki and myself showing our stockinged legs.... 

All in all, we had a very nice day - and the eventual decision becomes harder each day.  Both K and L are keepers, and sadly, I'll only be able to keep just one.  (As is the right thing to do for many of us....)

Although this picture is a little blurry, it gives a good idea of how I looked at dinner and at the club. And if people say that I look better this way than in a pair of pants - who am I to argue? 

L told me before she left for the evening that she had taken some time to do some research on people like us.  Obviously, I passed muster - there is hope for us yet.

Tripping the light fantastic

Today was a rare treat - I had my friend Vicki to myself.  No, don't get any silly ideas into your heads.  Vicki's husband knows that I am a very good friend of hers, and trusts both of us not to do anything that he'd be uncomfortable with....

So, we decided to take advantage of the rare day that I wasn't out dating (or doing something else that was equally important) to finally do a couple of things that we've both wanted to do: (1) Go to a special Chinese restaurant in the Catskills (near Woodstock) that I've been raving about for years, and (2) go to a BDSM club as voyeurs - something she's wanted to do for ages, but has never had the opportunity to do so. 

Of course, my car's "check engine" light had come on, and $275 later, I was finally cleared to go home and get ready for tonight's activities.  Vicki was expected at 5:00 pm, so I started getting ready around 3:30 pm.  And, just like a woman, I had a hard time figuring out what to wear.  In the end, that decision waited until Vicki arrived, as she had a couple of tops that she never wore that she felt would look good on me.  And she was right - they both did.  So I ended up changing my skirt, and wore the following outfit on our day's expedition:

We ended up leaving my place by 5:30, and made it to the restaurant by 7:30, where we had our Chinese feast.  As I expected, Vicki was wowed by the quality and tastes in our meal - she never would have thought a Chinese meal this good, this low priced, and this authentic, would be found in such a beautiful location as where this restaurant is. 

Now, before we left the restaurant, I had to make a bathroom visit.  Not only did I have to relieve myself, but I had a piece of food that had to be dislodged that couldn't be dislodged publically.  So it was off to the ladies room I went.  To my surprise, the plumbing in one of the stalls was out of order, so I ended up waiting in line with three other ladies for the remaining stall.  It's a nice feeling to know that in front of three younger gals, that no one noticed or cared that I was in their midst - I was just another woman waiting for her turn....

So, it was off to the club.  This was Vicki's first time at the place (my second) and we paid the couples rate of $25.  (I'm told by my friend J that this is an excellent price for what we get.  But I digress.)  Tonight's topic was rope play, and the use of rope in bondage scenarios.  It was very interesting trying to tie some of the knots, and I learned a bit of what not (no pun) to do with knots....   This time, I got into the act, letting the teacher use me as a guinea pig, demonstrating how to make rope handcuffs using my wrists and an unmentioned amount of rope.

After being untied, we watched several scenes - some of them more erotic than others, but none of them getting me that much excited. Yet, I enjoyed this visit much more than last time, as the group got to fun time much earlier than the night they had the collaring ceremony.  Both of us made some new friends, and met up with a special old friend (S) who introduced me to this club a few weeks ago.  In conversation with another lady (J), we talked of many things - Vicki and her husband, our mutual acquaintances, etc. and I mentioned two items of note: (1) that some people find me more attractive as a female than as a male, and (2) that as a female, I'm more attractive than an ex-GF of mine.  So I pulled out my cell phone and showed pictures of myself (in male mode) and a picture of the ex-GF.  Guess what. Ms. J said that I do look better as a woman, and that I look better than this ex-GF. 

As we were about to leave, guess who came into the club - my friend, S, who introduced me to the club.  So we ended up speaking another half hour (or more), and had the following picture taken of the two of us:

It's so nice hanging out with Vicki in girl mode.  We are so much like sisters, we can forget that one of us is a natal male and still has the original factory equipment.  And now that I have no fear about going out this way, we have a lot of fun. 

So I'll close this night's post with a cute little tune....

Friday, May 24, 2013

Reasons that a Cross Dresser would make a good husband

The other day, I updated my personal ad to fine tune it by adding a little humor.  Originally, I added a list of 54 reasons why a Cross Dresser would make a good husband.  But the lady I was chatting with said that a long list would get boring *AND* would defeat the purpose for it - to catch and hold a woman's interest.  So we cut this list down to 12 key items, and I posted the 12 items below in an updated profile:
  1. If he wears a skirt it's easy access.
  2. You can have a girlfriend as well as a boyfriend who doesn't mind waiting while you take your time shopping.
  3. You never have to worry about cheating on you with another woman. He IS the other woman!!
  4. He'll never ask you to have a threesome with another woman as long as  he can wear the lingerie.
  5. He won't tear your lingerie when removing it from you.
  6. A man in a dress makes a good cook.
  7. At least the toilet seat will be down.
  8. If he buys you clothes, you know he sizes them right.
  9. You have a girlfriend who doesn't get PMS.
  10. If he says "Hon, you look nice." you know he really means it.
  11. He loves to smell perfume and will give you an honest opinion.
  12. He knows how to treat a lady with care, sensitivity and respect.
Guess what?  The updated profile is getting more hits than before.  Mind you, most of the people dropping by don't bother to write anything, and the few that do write only give their support.  But this is still better than I would have thought a couple of months ago.

Of course, I have to mention the conversation I had last night.  I had browsed this lady's ad, and she mine, and she felt compelled to IM me.  We were chatting for a couple of hours, with her asking questions about many things - including that of my sexuality.  (It's amazing how little people know about the transgendered spectrum!)  But it was a fun chat, with someone I hope to chat with again.

While I was chatting with this lady, I was fine tuning the ad of the lady who edited the above list down to size.  After slicing and dicing her ad a bit, she loved what I did and posted the updated sections.  Guess what?  She started getting more hits than ever before. 

Now, I've had several long conversations with this lady, and we will likely only be friends and not romantically involved.  I've noticed that our conversational style (and choices in topics) is that typical for two women.  I'm starting to see proof of a theory I've had based on my experiences so far - the more feminine cues one projects (in the normal range for women), the more likely it is that a woman's brain will override a knowledge a person is not a natal female, and act and respond as if the person is a female.

Given my theory, does it matter that the person is read as a non-natal female?  Probably not.  Once the brain's internal categorization mechanism is short circuited, it tries to recover in the best way possible, and ignores anomalies as extraneous data....

So it pays to perfect one's presentation, as you never know how well you can participate in society as a female until you try it....

Thursday, May 23, 2013

Quickie - A casual conversation in the subway

Today I was stuck on a subway car going nowhere fast.  The heavy rains caused switching problems in several places, and I was lucky to get a seat in the first train to reach my station after work.  (Many people were doing the same thing I did - cutting out early to avoid getting drenched in the next storm.)

Well, the train got stuck at 14th street, and some tourists asked me for advice - which I freely gave. I suggested that if they were comfortable, to stay on the train.  It'd move in 15 minutes at worst - and the other trains would not get them to their destination any faster. 
We then had a nice long chat.  I figured - why not talk about my "special interest?"   And so I did....   And they loved the following picture of me in Provincetown:

For some unknown reason, I've never encountered anything but good reactions when I tell people about this persona.  It's a great feeling of confidence that has come over me since I've come out to the world.  And I never want to go back into the closet - except to pick out a new dress!

Unintended Socialization

How many of you, my readers, have found that you relate better to females than to males?  Would you say that more females than males are your peers?  These are questions that many of us may ask to determine where we are in the multidimensional transgender matrix.

As I write this blog entry, I am exchanging messages with a woman I met via a dating site, but with whom I'll likely meet more as a friend than as a potential sexual partner.  I'm finding that I'm attracting female friends because of being openly transgender, and that I may have a value of being an interpreter for the male world they don't understand.

As a transgendered person, I find it interesting that my peer gender tends to be female.  I have more female friends, and since I've been "out", have had much better relationships with these friends - as if the clothes are cueing certain communications behaviors in these woman more befitting my general style of communication.  It's really strange!

I certainly do not fantasize about sleeping with a male.  If I were to transition, I'd probably be a lesbian - unless the hormones affected my sexual preference.  But I do go back to something I've said before - given the choice of many meaningful friendships or having a great sex life with few friends, I think I'd chose the friendships.  This probably puts me more in the female camp than male camp on this issue.

When I "outed" myself, I never thought that I'd be as social as I am when in female mode.  It is an unintended consequence of being "out" that women feel more comfortable being around me.  My big question - why did we evolve in a way that the two genders (in many ways) do not consider each other as peers?


Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Choices... Sometimes they have to be made.

As I've noted in prior entries, I have two ladies at the top of my short list.  Both know about my transgendered nature, but merely seem to accept it.

I've been asking a female friend for advice, and she was thinking more like a man, and I like a woman, when it came to the issue of sex.  With one lady (K), she mentioned that with a little bit more alcohol in her, she might have joined me in the unisex lavatories at MoSex, and have gone for a quickie (and not the ones I usually note in this blog).  With the other (L), neither of us have made the move to invite each other to the other's homes, where sex could be on the menu.  Now that she knows about my female persona, it's safe to have her over.

But the question arises - how to I find out what "L" wants from this relationship, and what she really feels.  She has mentioned the idea of spending a weekend in Atlantic City using accumulated "comps" from prior casino visits.  (No, she doesn't seem to be the type to be a regular in AC - it's more that these comps have accumulated over a few years.) 

I also have to find out what "K" wants as well.  But she's at the point where she's about ready to get hot and heavy with me.  I'm in the strange position that I could go a bit longer without physical intimacy, but only because I don't want to be bedding more than one woman at a time.  Strange, huh? 

My friend, V, advised me as if she were a man - bed both of them, and see which one you like most.  Yet, I don't want to hurt the one lady who I don't end up with.  Which lady will I choose, and which lady will I turn away?  Right now, I don't have a clue - but that time is coming up soon.

Now, I can get paralyzed by choices, just like many other people.  Sometimes, making a hard choice is good for you, such as when I broke up a toxic relationship with a woman I dated for 8 years.  But I don't see this choice as being that good for me - if only one of these women were in the picture, I'd likely be placing all my efforts into dating her.  (I should say, I wouldn't be split between two women.)  And every time I write out the pluses and minuses, the scales seem to be balanced evenly.  This is frustrating.

Hopefully, I can see how at least one of these women react on a trip to the "North Country".  But neither of them seem ready to accompany me yet.  In a way, it's just as well.  And yet, it would give me a good idea of how one of these ladies would get along with people following alternate lifestyles.... (I'd also want to touch bases with my friends up North, just to be safe....)

As they may have said on the SNL Weekend Update -

"World ends in 10 minutes - News at 5:00 pm."   <g>

Monday, May 20, 2013

Unplanned outreach

As my long term readers might be aware, I take advantage of opportunities to talk about my transgendered nature whenever I feel safe to so do.  This Saturday, I had another chance to talk with a civilian about this subject, and found another kindred soul....

When I was paying for my oil change and hose replacement, I noticed that the lady helping me had some tattoos.  Although I don't care for many of the tattoos I see on people, I know it's the voice of my generation speaking AND know not to judge anyone for being different.  (I'm a "Boomer" born in the 1950's - a very repressed generation.)  I really enjoy looking at  truly artistic tattoos, as I've learned to appreciate art of many types.  And I used to enjoy looking at the tattoo magazines for colorful, well inked people with artistic tattoos.....

Well, I started a conversation with this lady, and she commented about people's prejudices towards inked people.  I commented that we're dealing with social norms, and that many people are very uncomfortable with those who look different.  I took the opportunity to mention how I cover up beard stubble, and then mentioned my use of Dermablend.  Then, I mentioned how Dermablend can be used to cover tattoos (which can help when going on interviews in potentially conservative firms).  And finally, I let the cat out of the bag, showing this lady a picture of me taken at Fantasia Fair.

So the two of us got along famously, and I gave her my Facebook id, email id, and blog info, so she could reach me.  (I hope she reads this, and comments soon....)   She's a great lady, and I can see how tattoos can be addicting for many people.   It's not my thing, but I'm glad I can appreciate it enough to talk intelligently about it, and make a new friend.

It's good to know that there are kindred spirits out there - all we have to do is open up ourselves, and they will be there for us....

Quickie - Summer's coming - AARGH!

Some of my readers may be wondering- WHAT THE HECK IS MARIAN THINKING?  Summer is the season many of us live for.  But not Marian!  

Unlike natal females, this T-Gal has to wear a wig to look even the slightest bit feminine.  In hot and humid weather, wigs get unbearable.  So how's a T-Gal that needs a wig to get by?  Yes, I know that I can go from air-conditioned apartment to air-conditioned car to air-conditioned venue.  But who wants to stay inside all the time?  Mind you, my bulk makes things many times worse.  If I lost 100 lbs. or so, I'd hardly notice the heat.  But that will take a long time, and Summer's almost here.

So don't worry if you aren't seeing as many pictures as you'd like.  (Or, as I'd like to post.)  I will be an active blogger....

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Quickie - Museum of Sex

How many of you have been to the Museum of Sex in New York City?

First of all, it is a legitimate museum with a serious purpose.  With that being said, it's obvious that the place is for adults only - but a fun place for adults to go on a date.  

The current second floor exhibit is dedicated to "A Billion Wicked Thoughts" - related to the research done for the book of the same name.  I highly recommend this exhibit.  And on the third floor is their semi-permanent exhibit of how sex and sexual behavior varies in the animal world.  I can't describe it in detail, but I will note the sexual practices of the Bonobo apes are very interesting --- and that humans are not the only species which have practiced rape and necrophilia. 

Of course, no visit to MoSex is complete without visiting the bar in the basement....  And the following tidbit will give you a flavor to what may be going on down there....

I am going to tell you a secret. At the museum yesterday, after the wine, I almost dragged you into the bathroom with me for a little "fun". It was a Unisex 1 person....Should have had another glass of bubbly! I think the couple waiting outside had the same idea...

I'll bet that many people have had the same idea! 

So....  If you're in NYC with an intimate partner, why not visit for at least 1/2 hour?  (Or more, if you want to see the exhibits. ;-)  )

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Stop the world, I want to get off!

Lately, it seems like there are not enough hours in the day for me, and not enough days in the week as well.  If it weren't for scheduling a day off from work this week, I wouldn't have had the chance to go into Marian mode.  I do not have enough time in either girl mode or boy mode.

Today, I went on a date with K, traveling into NYC to have Dim Sum in Chinatown, and then to go museum hopping.  But my car delayed my plans a little, as I had to get an oil change and a minor repair taken care of.  So we were only able to visit one of the museums - The Museum of Sex.  (For those of you planning to visit NYC, this is a must visit for adults.  Each time I visit, I come out learning something new.)   And it was the perfect museum to visit, as we were holding hands a lot, stroking each other's back (as in light massage, appropriate for a public place), and touching on issues of sexuality in a safe way. 

But tomorrow is L, and a trip to her neck of the woods.  And the meal of the day will probably be Vietnamese, maybe Pho.  YUM!   And then we'll likely see the latest Star Trek flick.  Of course, I want to see whether L and I will continue developing what we have.  If things develop quicker with K, the scales will tip in her favor.  If they develop quicker with L, the scales will tip in her favor.

But dating, maintaining social and professional relationships, and even seeing family takes time - add to that the desire to experience life en-femme, and there is no spare time for me to recharge my batteries....  And this is starting to tell on me.

So I need a vacation - preferably en-femme.....   And hopefully, one of these ladies will be joining me.

As I said - More to come....

As I noted in my prior post, I decided to drive up to the place where an ex-GF was working a garden sale, and see if she recognized me in "Marian Mode".  Well, neither of us noticed each other - and in retrospect, it was the best thing.  If I walked directly in front of her, she didn't recognize me, and I didn't recognize her - making it impossible to have an awkward situation. 

As you can see by the above picture, I was dressed casually, but appropriately for going to a garden show.  I could have gotten into a pair of "mom jeans", but I preferred wearing the denim skirt.

After missing the connection with my ex-GF, I went to Catherine's.  At my size, it's hard to find a coordinating bra and panty set - and I knew they had a nice combination in the store.  So, I finally have a couple of colored bras (other than white, nude, or black) in my feminine wardrobe.  Then it was off to The Avenue to find a pair of shoes that fit.  And yes, I found a pair of sandals that seemed to fit when I tried them on.  But when I walked around for a while, the strap going between the big toe and the other toes was a smidgen too tight.  AARGH!!!  Another shoe mistake....But I did get another couple of camisoles that I know I'll use...

Then it was off to a going-away party for a friend.  She was the events coordinator for a local charity, and is heading upstate for semi-retirement.  I attended this party en-femme, and had a great time.  Yes, there were civilians there - and no one cared about how I was dressed.  My friend was introducing me with my androgynous name - people could take me as either a MtF transperson in transition or a cross dresser, and it didn't matter.  It was fun!

Alas, when this party was over, I had to turn back into a pumpkin and back to being a guy.  I had a date with K at 9:15, and I had just enough time to clean off my face, get dressed, and get to the restaurant where we'd meet. She was impressed with what laser could do on my face.  Both of us were tired before midnight, and I was surprised to get home before she did.  (There was a major traffic jam on her way home, and she texted me about being stuck....)

I was very tired last night when I got home, and could barely function to even start this post.  So I left it incomplete, to be started this morning when I was more awake.  And it took about a half hour for my mind to ramp up to speed....

So now, it's off to get showered and dressed, bring my car in for an oil change, and then another date with K....

Friday, May 17, 2013

Quickie - Socializing among civilians, more to come...

OK - I did go to see my friend en-femme.  However, neither of us recognized each other!  (I know she lost weight - but probably more than I thought.)   So I sent her an email to say hi, and am waiting for her to ask why she didn't recognize me.....

On another matter - I was invited to a friend's going away party.  These people were all progressive, so I had no problem fitting in en-femme. 

It was a nice feeling to be out and about today in a comfortable feminine outfit.  But now to change back into boy more for a date.

More to come later.

Random thoughts, and maybe a theme....

As with other transgendered folk, I like getting out in the world en-femme as much as possible.  I get a feeling of normalcy that I can't describe - not a feeling of excitement, but one of calmness.  So what's the problem?

I've planned to burn one of my vacation days, taking the tomorrow off to relax.  So I had a thought - would a person who knew of my transgendered nature, but has never seen me en-femme, recognize me when presenting en-femme?  And I realized - I can answer this question by attending a garden show en-femme, that an ex-GF is working, I can find out whether she'd recognize me in this mode. 

And now for a little background....

After I broke up a toxic relationship I had for 8 years, I started dating in earnest.  One of the ladies I dated had in her personal ad that she wanted a "manly man" - and she answered my "straight" ad (the only one I had at the time).  We got together, and the chemistry was very intense - we couldn't keep our hands off each other.  Over the next few weeks, this new girlfriend and I got hot and heavy.  But she realized we had to break things off, as physical chemistry was not enough to build a relationship on.  And we've stayed the best of online friends since.  (Also, she has found the man she really wanted in the first place - so I'm very happy for her.)

Would she recognize me if she saw me en-femme?   Maybe I'll find out tomorrow....


In an earlier "Quickie" post, I noted that today was my first laser appointment.  The darned thing hurt like a nest of wasps attacking my face one at a time.  How will I afford the treatments after the initial discounted ones are complete? 

I know that I will have money coming in until the end of the year.  Afterwards, who knows?  So I may have to look for another discounted Groupon deal later in the year, and continue treatments with a new salon.  Is this wise?


Given that I've been out in the open for only 9 months, I'm wondering where I will be by the end of the year.  If I end up being unemployed, will I be spending more or less time en-femme?  If I am employed, the same question comes up.  But the difference between the two states will be the amount of free time available to be en-femme.

Although I would be looking for work as a male, I'd be tempted to become a volunteer en-femme, as one writer did, who contributed to Stana's blog.  This male now works en-femme, and goes back home, and changes back to a male for his wife.  Would I want this person's path for myself?  In this economy, the odds of finding work suck at best.  But it is a tempting thought to explore, but only for entertainment....


So is there a common theme?  Maybe.  If there is one, it may be related to a desire to live more of my life en-femme, not standing out as a natal male, and to be accepted in this role.  Will I be lucky enough to do so?  Who knows?  But it is an interesting path that I'm on, and I wouldn't trade it for the world....

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap.... A Quickie

It was my first time....   I didn't know what to expect....  Zap, Zap, Zap, Zap..... OUCH!!!!

Yup!  Laser on the face!!!!

For those of you who have never had it done, it feels like a nasty bee is stinging you again and again.  Zap, Zap, Zap....   At least I was ready to be stung.  And yet, it felt worse than expected - even with the laser operating on a low setting.   Zap, Zap, Zap....   Although I got a deal, 6 sessions for $180, I'm told that I'll need between another 6-12 sessions after that for $160 each.  OUCH!   Zap, Zap, Zap....

One visit every three weeks!   Zap, Zap, Zap....  It's going to be a few weeks where I feel I'll be spending 30 minutes in an outer circle of hell after I get out of work.   Zap, Zap, Zap....  And it will seem like forever, when it's only 30 minutes.

Now....  I know I don't have it that bad.   When I was chatting with the laser technician, she mentioned that half her business is made of up of ladies looking to be rid of their pubic hair.  That's a big OUCH!!!!   It makes me grateful that I'm only having my beard area done.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Two Persona / One Person

Two of my readers have made important comments on why I should treat the two persona as a single person.  And without understanding what I'm doing, they are right to conclude that I am creating a schizophrenic personality with my two persona.  I figure that I should address them as a separate posting, so that the method to my so-called madness is understood, if not endorsed.

Although I encourage people I meet to think of each persona as a unique person, they have the same memories, the same soul, the same body, etc.  People who know me in both persona are comfortable with that fact, yet get a little confused at first.   So why go through this bother?  It is a convention I stumbled onto that helps people in my life deal with the two presentations, responding to each appropriately for the gender I'm presenting as at the moment. 

In our minds, gender is one of the most important characteristics we use to identify someone.  Traditionally, before the age of Ultrasound and CAT scans, one didn't learn the sex of a baby until it was born.  A joke in "Addams Family Values" illustrates how important this identification is - even at birth…  When Mortitia Addams gives birth to her third child, someone asks Gomez Addams "what is the baby?" - where the expected answer would be "it's a boy" or "it's a girl".  Gomez gives the unexpected, but correct response - "it's an Addams!!!!"   It's a perfectly correct answer, but doesn't supply the information we wanted to use to categorize the child - and that's where the humor comes from.  It touches on something basic - the gender binary is a critical part of how we think and how organize our society.
So back to the individual, and why I say to think of the two persona as two people sharing one body, one mind, etc….
I'm focusing on how the mind stores information.  Since the gender binary is at so high a level of our innate organizing principles, it may be hardwired in our minds.  Friends that have known me first for a long time in one persona can and will make the mistake of using the wrong pronoun at the wrong time.  But there's something more important going on here - traditional society tends to be threatened by androgyny.   Look at the big mess that Israel has with its ultra-Orthodox Jews, when women are allowed to pray at the Wailing Wall.  The Orthodox go berserk!  They say that since sex is so important, that they have to keep it under draconian control.  (The reality is that they are restricting individual freedom to preserve an extremely close knit social group - regardless of the mental and physical health cost to the individuals in that group.)  So, it may pay to play a mind game with mental organization to make social acceptance easier.
This can get in the way when dating.  Let's say a woman is completely heterosexual.  Like many men who'd get repulsed thinking of themselves kissing another man (or more), this hypothetical woman might get repulsed thinking of herself kissing another woman.  So, if my gender presentation dictates how I interact with this woman, she's likely to feel more comfortable with me.  In male mode, we could be the most passionate lovers.  Yet, like most women, there are things they can say to their closest girlfriends that they can't say to their husbands.  In female mode, we could be the closest of girlfriends.  Yet, like most women, we'd never dream of getting passionate with each other.  (And no, I don't want to get into the discussion that most woman are bisexual at their core - that's another discussion for another day in a different blog.)  For me, when in male mode, I act like a male.  And in female mode, I emulate as much of a woman as possible.
I have a core personality that doesn't change - no matter what my gender presentation is at the moment.  But there is a difference between the modes of, topics of, and reasons for communication between the genders.  This is very important when going out in the world.  When I was at Fantasia Fair, I noticed a large number of CD's talking about "guy topics" in "guy ways" while in "gal mode".  This is not my style.   I try to communicate in ways, in styles, on topics befitting my presentation.  This helps a lot in being accepted in the outside world.   And it has helped a lot with one of the ladies getting to know me, as it enables these ladies to file information in their brains that indicate my alternate persona is not a threat.  In short, I'm using what I know about cognitive psychology to make it easier for me to be accepted *and* for people to refer correctly to me no matter how I'm presenting.
With all of this being said, I don't forget that I'm a natal male in female garb, and I don't want my friends to forget that fact either.  All I'm doing is to provide a way for a person's brain to store information about my persona in a way that it doesn't get confused when tired and put me at risk.  "Risk?" you might say.  Yes, Risk.  Getting seen as a cross dresser in a clothing store is one thing.   But let's say that I decided to go to a sports event, and I have to go to the loo.  How many natal women would feel comfortable or safe thinking that there is a natal male in the stall next to her?  We could get into big trouble through no fault of our own.  So I mitigate risk.  And my method is to treat the two persona as two people sharing one body.  And now to make you smile...
I know I'm a perfect mate for myself.  How you might ask?  Well, look at what OK Cupid gave me when I looked at my "twisted" ad:


55 / Straight / Single
New York
99% - Match
81% - Friend
0%   - Enemy 

But the big question is:  Why am I only an 81% friend to myself?     ;-)

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

OK, now what?

How many of us recall the phrase below?

"Be careful of what you ask for - you might just get it"

Well, I wanted to have a choice between ladies K and L, both at the top of my short list for relationships.  Now, I see that this choice will eventually have to be made.  And strangely enough, I am not in a rush to bed either of these women.

You may be asking - why am I not in any rush?

To me, the answer is simple.  Although I'm not planning on transitioning, I do go out as a female, and these women have seen pictures of me in female mode OR have seen me in person in this mode.  Can either woman disregard these images when we go to bed?  Is her feminine identity secure enough to be intimate with someone who wants to appear as feminine as she does outside of the bedroom?  (I've not even mentioned the issue of nightwear - could she deal with me in a feminine nightie?)  There are important issues here that can be addressed - and I realize that caution is the byword of the day.

So, what would you do in my position?

Monday, May 13, 2013

Shoot me if...

In this post, I'd like to touch on an issue that I've been aware of for years, and am sensitive to because of other people I've met --- Hoarding.

I'm not going to discuss the details of this disease here.  Instead, I'm going to show some photos of an apartment (not mine) which (to me) defines the border line of a person who likes to collect things (too much) - or doesn't know how to prune things, and a person who simply hoards things.

The reason I post this is simple - my apartment is cluttered because I am not good at pruning things *and* I had to accommodate having extra furniture from the time my late wife moved into my apartment -- both issues combining to force me to be careful when I buy things, to be sure that I toss out stuff to make room for new items...

Do you think this person's place indicates that she is a hoarder?

FYI....  If you got this far.  The photos are from an ex-GF's place.  The first 2 pictures are from the small bedroom (den), the next 3 are from the kitchen/dining area, the next 3 are from the living room, and the last two are from the bedroom.

When one's self esteem gets whacked to be with a woman who lives this way, it takes a lot to get out and start living a healthy life again.  If you're wondering why I've posted this in a blog describing my transgendered life, please note that it was shortly after escaping this mess that I finally had the courage to go out in the world dressing androgynously (all items of clothing from the woman's side of the aisle) while on vacation (in SF), followed by a full female presentation the next year.

So - if someone wonders where I get the so-called courage to go out in the world, it's more an issue of internalizing my own self worth and self esteem.  I now feel good about myself, and I no longer have the burden of having to hide my real self from most other people I meet and know.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day with a friend.

Looking at the picture below, you might say that had a harsh face and that I had a bad day.  That's the furthest from the truth, even though nothing went according to my original plan.

When I awoke this morning, my plans were to get out of bed early and take the commuter train into the city for National Train Day, and the 4 tracks of exhibits that ended today.  Well, I was feeling tired, and didn't bother with the exhibit.  I've been to a few railroad museums, and just didn't want to risk spending two hours on the train to wait an hour for an exhibit that takes less than an hour to pass through.

In mid morning, my friend L called me and asked if I wanted to spend another day jewelry shopping with her in NYC - and I said YES....  So it was off to the city and browsing the stores for things that would look nice on me.  However, I found only one thing - a bangle that went well with the top I was wearing, as well as a few purple outfits I have....

Later that afternoon, I met up with L, her son, and his girlfriend for an early dinner at the Chinese buffet. (I avoid buffets as a general rule, but went because I was invited *and* haven't seen her son in ages.)  As expected, I ate too much there - and again realized why I have to stay away from these places. 


Now earlier in the day, L was trying to get me to go on a cruise with her.  If I could get off earlier in the year, I'd consider it.  It's not for the reasons you might think.  Once I got on the ship, I'd stay in Marian mode for the whole trip - and finally get the chance to wear the gown I "inherited" from my friend V.  But that shouldn't be the reason one goes on a cruise.  Yet, it's a reason I'd think about it....


It's just as well that the ladies I've been dating were not available today.  Mother's day should be spent with family - and I'm not part of either lady's family yet.  But I can see when that day may yet come - and I have a couple of functions where I can introduce them to my friends from the North country and see how they react.    Will I bring them along?  Probably not - at least, not yet.  Both have been told about the nature of these friends, but I'm not sure how much of a comfort curve each will need with me before they see other people who have become part of my life....


So....  I close out another entry with a link to a tune....  Enjoy!!!

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Another Quickie - Revealing a truth

Well, I finally did it - I revealed my transgendered nature to L, and she didn't bat an eyelash.  Mind you, she had questions - which I answered.  I told her that I had to be careful when revealing this side of myself, and she respected that.  And we had the better part of a nice evening, until she had to go home to take care of her dog - something I knew she was late for when she dropped me off at the subway station.

I'll keep my readers informed.  This part of my journey is something I'll share.  I figure that my experiences will be helpful to my readers - even though everyone's life has unique characteristics and a unique path to be followed....

Looking to lay cards on a table - a Quickie

If all goes right, by this time tomorrow, I'll have informed L that In am transgender and have shown her my pictures.  It'd be nice for her to accept me this way, and continue wanting to see me.  If not, I have K as a fallback. 

I'm not sure of what I'd do if L still wants me - I have to make a decision.  But it'd be nice to make the decision knowing that I have good options, instead of "least bad" options....

Getting ready to go to bed....

Tonight's entry focuses on a phrase that has more than one meaning.  Both meanings might be appropriate.  First, at this time of night, I'm starting to pass out.  Second, one of the ladies I'm dating knows about my transgendered nature, and is comfortable with it so far.  The other has yet to be told about my nature.  Either way, the moment will soon be here that I will be expected to "perform". And I want to have myself and the lady I'm with ready for it. 
Tomorrow, I intend to tell the other lady in my life about being transgendered and seeing what happens.  Part of me would like for it to be over, so that I can be with the woman I was with tonight.  But another part of me wants to have this lady around.  As I've said earlier, if both ladies are comfortable with my nature I will have a hard choice to make. 

I'm a fortunate person - no matter what gender presentation I'm in....

Friday, May 10, 2013


Trust...  It's one of the most important things a person can have, and one of the most important things a person can do.  Without it, societies would collapse.  Without it, families would have nothing that binds people to each other.  Without it, our lives would be infinitely poorer than they are now.

Why am I thinking about this word, other than that I needed a topic for the evening?  Well, I have an addicted friend who has a hard time trusting people, and is in a rut of getting too close to the wrong people to gain fleeting moments of intimacy.  She leans way too much on her friends, and needs a great amount of predictability from them in order to make it through her days.  When things go wrong, for whatever reason, she gets caught in a cycle of distrust, gets depressed, and starts eating to self medicate.

There are many transgendered people who are hiding their natures from their partners.  I've certainly have done that with several women.   And I think it's a common thing not to trust our partners when we don't feel we can trust our partners with our deepest secrets.  But if a relationship is to survive and flourish, one must take that leap of faith. 

The idea of trust implies a form of faith in a person.  Yet, it also implies a form of faith in the way things work, and the way society will treat us.  For example, many of us grew up watching a show about a hero who fought for "truth, justice, and the American way."  How hokey is that for a 21st century adult?  But it captures the idea of a myth that permeates our culture - that the rule of law will apply to all, with innocent people being protected, and criminals brought to justice.  How many of us remember a TV show whose theme starts with "Here's the story, of a man named....."?  Yup, another myth, another cultural value - that even after a calamity, things will work out in the end.  Our transgendered nature goes against the myths of our society, and we are often afraid - we don't trust our society to treat us well.  And can anyone blame us?  The minute many of us hint that we are even slightly different from our birth genders, we are attacked for those differences.

So, how do we improve things for ourselves and others?  We can not change the world by ourselves.  But we can make tiny, almost imperceptable changes to the world, and great changes in ourselves.  First, we have to be open about who we are whenever possible.  This means trusting people we care for with our secrets.  Will we make mistakes?  Yes.  But if we start gaining experience and trusting our guts, we will know who can and can't be trusted - and enjoy being able to trust more people.  Next, we have to look out for each other, to be a cheering section when needed, and a shoulder to cry on when things don't go well.  Again, it's about building a network of trust.  And this may be the most important thing we can have.... 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Dating a transgendered person

As I've mentioned before, there are two ladies on my short list for dating.  (No, I'm not a "Player", but I don't stop dating multiple women until I get serious about one - and that means having "relations" with that woman.)  A third woman may now be interested in me - and she's been asking a lot of intelligent questions about my transgendered nature.

Some of the questions are:
  • When did I start crossdressing?
  • Have you ever had sex in the female persona?
    (This could be read: have you had "homosexual sex"?)
  • Do you dream about living full time in the alternate gender?
  • Have you dated a woman while in the feminine persona?
    (She was concerned whether I could look better than she did.)
  • How many women knew about your transgendered nature?
This woman had a gay man for a husband.  So she doesn't want to become attached to another.  She also has a position of visibility and responsibility.  It makes sense that she asks these questions and more.

Why do I bring this up tonight? 

Most of us want to be loved.  Most of us need to be touched, to have physical intimacy with someone.  Most of us want companions for their paths through life.  For the transgendered person who has the "standard" gender preference of their desired gender, finding someone becomes easier after a M2F transition. But what about the rest of us?  Whether or not I ever transition, I will very likely retain a preference for females.  So, what should a person in my position do? 

To me, it's simple.  First, I have to be extremely clear of what I want.  Second, I must lay all my cards on the table when dating.  Third, I have to be brutally honest regarding this part of myself when a potential lover asks questions about it.  Although there may be room for shading, don't count on it - and don't waffle.  Women take a big risk by dating us, and we owe them the common courtesy of being informed mates.

What are your thoughts on this issue?

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Crowded Weekend Coming

This weekend coming up, I intend to tell one of the top two gals on my list about being trans.  (The other gal knows, and seems to be comfortable with it.)  I expect to be nervous, because there is a 50/50 chance of breaking up. And yet, this won't be the worst thing either, as I have one lady who knows about this, and with whom there is chemistry.  So, if there is a breakup, the hard question I'd have to ask myself becomes a moot point.

Now, I've contacted other females on the dating site, and have gotten some interesting responses when writing from my "twisted" .id.  As I'd expect, many women dismiss the ad (and me) out of hand.  (This is the ad's intended result - it weeds out people quickly.)  But there are others who are intrigued, and who'd have me as a friend but not a lover - that is also understandable, and I'm always game for new female friendships.  And lastly, there are others who don't freak out when thinking of my presentation, and who are secure enough in their sexualities and identities that they can chance being comfortable with me.  Those women are who I seek out.

As people often say - there is someone for everyone.  And I believe that to be mostly true for honest, caring people.  I seem to be finding women to date in spite of what is likely a major dating handicap. A large part of this is having a positive attitude.  I try to date women with similar core values, though I take flyers on some who would not normally be my type to date.  I also try to date in the same socio-economic class.  This means that I lean towards dating women with an education, who are politically slightly left of center (which in the old days, would be in the middle), and have similar interests.  As a result, I sometimes get recommendations from one woman I date (and not working out romantically) for another woman who I might find interesting.

Contrast me with my friend L.  L is a Jewish woman who has had a thing for Black men.  No big deal about that - some of the stereotypes add spice to the trysts.  But L, always has her heart broken.  Why?  She's not choosing for educated men with good careers.  The lower on the socio-economic pole one gets, the worse the behavior of men get.  As a result, she is treated bad, and gets into a vicious cycle of lessened self esteem and loneliness that she feels helpless to escape. As long as she feels she needs a man to make her happy (instead of finding her happiness from within herself), she will stay in this vicious circle.

Why do I bring this up?  There are other bloggers that I read who are very unhappy.  Being trans has gotten in the way of finding love and companionship, as well as having destroyed the love and companionship they once enjoyed.  So what should any of us trans people do?  Physical companionship (and I'm not focusing on sex here) is a very important part of life, and something that shouldn't be sacrificed.  For those trans persons whose sexual preference aligns itself to what would be normal for the new gender - this is relatively easy (if you'd call giving birth an easy experience for most women).  But if not, it is much, much harder.  One has to overcome social prejudices.  One has to overcome having a smaller number of people in a pool of potential partners.  And one has to be brutally honest about one's needs.  In many cases, building a network of intimate (not sexually intimate) friends may be needed before considering exposing one's trans nature. (In my case, I'm building that network while coming out as trans.  I don't have the extreme needs that many trans people have.) 

What is so important about having a network of friends to confide in?  There is an excessively large number of trans people who are addicts, and an extremely large number of trans people who have attempted suicide.  Both addiction and suicide attempts have a high correlation with people who have inadequate social networks.  If you can't vent your feelings, you will be destroyed by them.  So build those networks now!

There are some trans people who fantasize that all their problems will go away by being out.  This is not true.  In my case, I have my fantasies, and see them as such - pipe dreams.  Others get seduced by the fantasies.  Being trans is hard, not easy.  One of my friend P's acquaintances announced he was trans, and proceeded to transition without regular reality checks.  This man lost both family and career - and still doesn't ask anyone for help.  I'll bet that s/he is very lonely and afraid of what will happen next.  A smart person would have learned as much as possible and asked: "How much will this potentially cost me in family, friendship, and career costs - and it is worth the price?"  There is one blogger to whom I posed the question: "What is your goal?" and she gave me a very simple reply.  She wanted to become a woman, no matter what the cost.  Reading her blog, she seems to be quite willing to pay that cost, and she seems happy where her life is heading.

So back to the weekend....

I believe that I have prepared myself to pay the potential cost in lonliness by telling this woman I am trans, placing the rest of my bets on the woman who already knows I'm trans.  But if I don't pay the cost now, it will get much more expensive later on.  I will likely have a very busy weekend, seeing both of these ladies.  But I may come out of it with a better direction of how I'll be proceeding to find my happiness....

Monday, May 6, 2013

Quickie - Thoughts about the weekend

To say the least, it was a very unusual weekend.  And I hated to go back to work. 

Looking back, I realize how much I've grown over the past few months.  And this weekend was proof of it.  The gal I dated on Saturday noted that she expected a couple of people to read me - they did, and I didn't care. At the commitment ceremony (a collaring at a BDSM club), I found that I was accepted for who I am.  And then, the next day - I was accepted as a woman wherever I went.  I was dressed for the role, and I was accepted in it.

Although I have a long way to go to perfect this feminine persona, I'm well on my way to doing so.  And this feels nice!


PS: I just got an IM from my friend L.... She said that her mom's caregiver (who was told I was not a GG) believed I was a woman because I presented so well.   So here's a video link for your entertainment.

Introducing the second persona...

For me, there has been a surreal aspect to living life in two genders.  But it has been very enjoyable, though the picture I may be painting of my life may seem like a classic Dali painting.  But today was a time where my female personality came to the fore in almost all aspects.

In the morning, I had a date (the word "appointment" would be more correct) with my friend L, going into NYC to buy costume jewelery for her traveling road show.  We left home about an hour later than originally planned, so that we could avoid traffic jams resulting from the NYC 5 borough Bike Tour.  After about 2 1/2 hours shopping, we finished up, and then went to her mom's house for the weekly visit.  (L's mom has dementia, and is being taken care of by a group of assistants at the family homestead.)  Now, I had originally figured that I'd be home by 6, and would have enough time to change into "boy mode" to meet K at the Amtrak station, and drive her to the Metro North station further up the line.  But the timing of our return put that plan in doubt.

I was dressed much like the day before (as illustrated by this picture), , save for my shirt being a mauve color similiar to that of the sweater and skirt.  So fortune gave me an opportunity to introduce this persona to K.  I texted K to tell her that I may not have the time to change when I got home.  Would she mind seeing me in this mode?  K said "yes", it's about time she gets to meet me as Marian and see for herself whether she can accept me this way.

So, I fixed up my face, then made it to the station in Marian mode.  There was a slight awkwardness for her at first - how should I relate to this side of the personality?  I mentioned that in this mode, think of me as a woman, and it will be easier for you.  I told her that I would act as a woman, and only hug her as a sister or close friend would do.  This probably made it much easier for her.  And then we proceeded up to the station to pick up her car, with a stop at the local diner to have a bite to eat.

We talked about many things, and I tried to keep my conversation to things a woman would chat about, save that we talked about her "almost step-son's widow" (I won't explain this here, to preserve K's privacy) and her inability to process her grief.  As part of that conversation, I had to reference the fact that I am a genetic male, and referenced "my wife" as such.  (I'm not going to deny my wife's nature - even if that reveals that I am transgender.  Her memory deserves that type of respect....)  K seemed to be very comfortable throughout dinner - but only another date with me in boy mode will tell for sure.  I also had the pleasure of talking about several of the bloggers I've met in both girl and boy mode, and how it has been a great privilege to be in their company.

Both K and I were getting tired, so I drove her to her car, and we bid each other a fond adieu.  Of course, I stayed in female mode - and I know that part of her wanted to kiss, and the other part may have been processing my two persona.  So I gave her the warm hugs a woman would give another, and told her that next time it would be "my brother", but she could see me (the female persona) any time she wants.

Now,back to L (by friend with the jewelery)....

L had asked me to call her and report on the date.  This, I did - and it made L both happy and sad, as she is having men problems.  This time, L had to break off, as my seeming success saddened her too much (as she can't figure out how to get the right man to want her) - but we will talk again soon.

But this isn't the end of today's story....

Two more ladies I have been corresponding with both want to chat with me.  So I gave them my phone number (and I got theirs), and we will be chatting during the week.  The focus of the conversations won't be on my gender crossing alone - in one case, a woman's son used to be interested in women's clothing until he succumbed to peer pressure.  And another is a local gal who finds me interesting enough to want to chat.  

Who knows what will happen next....?



As I was just about to finish up this posting, I received the following email from K in my "boy mode" account:

Hi - finally in my own bed with my own pillows.  HEAVEN! Thank you so much for picking me up tonight. It was great to meet your sister. I thought it would be weird, but  it wasn't.  Talk to you during the week.  ((HUGS)) K

She's so sweet!   

Sunday, May 5, 2013

What a long strange day it's been....

If I had the Grateful Dead on my cell phone, I'd have been playing the song "Truckin'" tonight.  But first, I'll describe the day to give my readers an idea of what inspired this entry's title.

As usual, I was running late on a weekend morning.  Even though I went to sleep a little earlier than usual the night before, I could have used an extra hour or two worth of sleep.  At least I didn't feel tired, the way I usually feel during a sleep deprived week.  So I ended up at my first stop about a half hour late - my friend P, the hypnotist with whom I'm exchanging computer services for hypnosis services. 

When I reached P's place, we decided it was best that we try to take our pictures before lunch, and after returning from lunch, we'd proceed with the hypnosis.  Well, at noon, the sun was in a lousy position for taking a good photograph, and the harsh shadows do not do my face justice in the picture below:

However, I feel that the following picture put me in a better light, as the sun was not directly in my face:

It's not perfect, and having the buttons on my sweater closed didn't help here.  So I'm torn between these pictures....

After finishing our photoshoot, we went to the cafe down the street for lunch.  And we met up with a lady who started chatting us up.  Again, I was taken for a lady by another woman.  What was interesting in our conversation with this lady is that this lady sensed that there was a need in my friend's life - a man.  With me, I gave off none of that vibe.  At that time, I couldn't figure out what it was.

When we got back to P's place we had a conversation about what I wanted from hypnosis, and I mentioned help with weight loss, as well as parallel development of my female and male persona.  P told me that I was giving off a maternal, matronly vibe - something that no woman is threatened by.  Additionally, P told me that my vibe was one of confidence, as if I was a woman who is comfortable where she is in the world, and that might be coming out in the photos as well.  So we did our hypnosis session, and got out 1/2 hour later than I planned - making me late for the date I mentioned in my previous post. 

Since I've already described this date, I won't bother to repeeat myself.  Instead, I'll note that I learned something new today - sometimes, a property's mailing address doesn't give an adequate ideas of where the property's driveway comes out.  In the case of this nursing home, they have a lot of property in a upper income town.  The address was 620 xxxxxx road.  But the property entrance was near where 700 xxxxxx road would be.  If the property has a long frontage, it is possible for the driveway to be on the other end of the property (with a higher street address), but being assigned a street address in sync with the low numbered end" of the property.

So, after the date, I freshened up my face, changed my top, and drove up to my friend S's to fo to a Kinkster party.  I now know why S and I stopped being intimate - and it is not a great loss.  (This is nothing bad about her - I never considered her a booty call, and I never bonded too closely to her.)  We drove to the party, and it was the first time I saw a "Collaring Ceremony".  (Think of BDSM'ers taking vows of faithfullness....)  This was my first time in one of these clubs, and like the polyamorous group I meet in the "North Country", they truly have all types.  There were some things I found interesting, but on the whole, I was bored.  No, once one gets over the idea of people being flogged, spanked into redness, or other things that stimulate the pain receptors, and turning that sensation into pleasure, it seems like a "been there, done that" kind of experience.  (I'm not knocking the experience - I just found that I'm simply not that interested in it.)

Now, my friend L is lonely, and needed someone's shoulders to cry on - and guess who she called.   Three guesses, first two don't count....   Her problem is self esteem, and she has been dating men way beneath her stage of development.   So this time, I suggested that she meet with my hypnotist.  She wanted to do a group session, and I said NO - P only works with individuals.  L agreed to think about that.  I'll put the two ladies together and see what happens.  But I will tell P what I think L's problems are, and to use her judgement.

It's almost 2:30 am now, and I'm finally falling out.  So I'll put the figurative pen down and go to sleep for  few hours, until I'm up - and going into the city with L.  (More on that tomorrow....)  But first, some words from Jerry Garcia: